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Jun. 23rd, 2004 | 04:02 pm

I used to claim that "no one would ever date me", it's morphed slightly into "no one that I'm attracted to wants to date me".

This morning I finally came up with an idea why.

I think I suffer from a tendency to sacrifice myself and my own desires when I meet someone I'm attracted to. I am struck dumb and end up doing whatever they want while not ever actually suggesthing as I'm afraid that they wouldn't actually like my activities.

The other thing is I've noticed that when I'm not that attracted to someone but end up dating them I end up having a more stable balanced relationship with better communication. I suspect since I'm not so desperate to win and hold their approval, I can actually continue to be myself, instead of trying to mirror their desires, and thus continue to be someone attractive.

The woman I'm dating falls into the better relationships through weaker attraction. What makes this especially frustrating is the friendship I have with a straight coworker who has a number of characteristics that I find strongly attractive, which ends up strongly reminding me of the weak attraction I'm feel toward the former woman.

Well maybe if I can come up with a solution to the problem of losing myself when too attracted to someone, I can start dating people who I am strongly attracted to.

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Comments {3}

Jane Tutor

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from: pixelpoet
date: Jun. 23rd, 2004 07:10 pm (UTC)

interesting, i understand

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from: sapience
date: Jun. 23rd, 2004 08:19 pm (UTC)

There is a middle ground, you know. :)

For me, I only date people I find attractive, but I also avoid people I am so awestruck by that my personality disappears. The people I aim for are those that a)I am attracted to and b)can be myself around. That way I enjoy them and enjoy myself, too.

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Passsion vs Choice

from: dilinger
date: Jun. 25th, 2004 07:04 am (UTC)

This I would suspect fall into the eons old discussion of falling in love with someone you have passion for. (ie Burns out and is gone shortly) Vs a choice to be with someone your compatable with. In the first case, I would think most of these relationships don't stand the test of time. However having your cake and eating it too, would involve getting in this way and the maturing to the second level of choice.

I believe people are programed to sleep around based on biology and that we make a choice to behave the way we do. Our social structure doesn't support this modus anymore. (I digress)

As the song goes, (If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty women your wife, if you go for my particular point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you.)
Not trying to encourage any particular orientation here, just reciting the song. But the point comes up: what are you really looking for in a relationship?

Some people like chaos and seek it out. Others want a more simple life. Does it mean one way is better or more right then another? I can't say. I know I got into a relationship for the long term. It has been tough. But we have fun together. Just becasue you choose a way doesn't always mean you will get it. My life with my partner has been more chaotic then I ever thought. She came into the relationship with certain expectations and I have to fight against them. She gets hurt and I spend energy I could have put to good use. So in a way I kinda got both. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.

I"m kinda ugly. So I say if your beautiful give the ugly ones a chance because you never know what your going to get. :P

Point out to your kids, how sometimes the ugly ones grow up to be beautiful. (then again, if they showed an ugly kid some attention would they go through all the steps it would take to make them beautiful) Are we playing with something we don't fully understand. The whole world could be turned upsidedown. Mass histeria cats and dogs living together... eh hem. I think that was from a movie.

In summary. Passion (fast furious often leads to burn out) Mental Love: (Not as fast, not as intense, but has a better chance of building into a long term relationship) Not so much an addiction, more like breathing air.


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