Diane Trout (alienghic) wrote,
Diane Trout
alienghic

It's been a long time since I've posted anything to LJ, so here's some quick updates.

- I really need to register, this LJ is overloaded is getting annoying, I only have a few minutes to post at any given point. If they're down I won't get around to it. Now if I only remembered where I'd left my paypal password.

- I think I'm going to go to stratigicon this weekend, it's a gaming convention that's held near LAX airport.

- I went to a presentation called girlfags last night. My friend/ex- has been developing the concept for herself. Once again I am reminded that if I'm around people talking about sex, sexuality, love, or relationships I end up being punished with an attack of depression.

- After like 3 years of being broken up with my last ex- I think I'm finally getting to realize that I'm angry with her for being self-centered. As far as i can tell from her descriptions of why she broke up with me. It was because I needed some physical affection (being held for instance) when I was emotionally distraught. She wasn't willing to provide that, it made her feel trapped. So a couple of weeks before I left for my surgery, she broke up with me. Of course, she was ignoring, the small detail, that I was going through an especially stressful period of my life. It seems to me that more available people will attempt compromises, provide suggestions on alternate ways of resolving problems and so forth.

Alas after getting stepped on by her, the girlfriend previous to her, and my messed-up family I have huge issues with feeling like anyone is emotionally trustworthy.

So there's this new woman, Holly, who's yet another bi-poly woman in a long term relationship with a guy-like-being. I think she has acted interested in me. I think we met a little over a month ago. We've exchanged a few emails, and have met in a few different groups. I have yet to talk to her on the phone (I did leave voice mail once). We have yet to do anything where it was a specific attempt to do something together. And yet this is still the fastest I'm comfortable with trying to even contemplate getting close to someone.

For me I'm tempted to mention why I'm so scared about getting close to people, however I'm rather frightened and after my previous experiences telling anyone who has a chance of being interested in me (where i have some hope of wanting to reciprocate) why I'm so frightened of relationships seems like a bad idea. Revealing anything about my broken emotional state to me at this point seems like the most certain way to push someone as far away from me as possible.

Hmm... I wonder if I should tell her about the existence of LJ? Hows that for dysfunctional.
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