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Nov. 22nd, 2003 | 01:20 pm
mood: calmcalm

Late last night I noticed that I forgot to take my medication yesterday. Without it I do seem to be more emotional. So I'm sorry to the people I was arguing with, I should've been able to recover somewhat faster than I did.

I don't have a particularly good sense of self-worth nor do I feel that there's any support where to turn to that will always be there when I need it. As a result If I get involved with someone who I feel compatible with and who I feel like I can share my inner hopes and dreams with I start to view them as the source of that emotional support.

Unfortunately I can start doing that in a matter of weeks which puts far too much strain on a developing relationship and so to maintain their own emotional safety they dump me.

I may have gotten better at coping with this problem, but I still have trouble feeling good about myself. As a result I feel like I will repeat this mistake and will drive away anyone I feel attracted to. Unless there's an external limitation on how emotionally involved I feel I can be with this person of interest, such as being straight, being committed to another significant other, or being a guy, I feel like something will trigger me and cause me to repeat this self-destructive pattern.

Though perhaps I'm being unnecessarily negative, it's not that I would always be engaging in this pattern, it's that I have a tendency to collapse in that particular way when under stress. Maybe someone could deal with it, they'd just need to be good at acknowledging that I feel bad while telling me to to dump on them.

Heck I might even be able to warn them how to react before hand. Which is much better than trying to talk about it while I'm depressed as I'm not so useful then.

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