March 12th, 2004


The chase

I've been trying to develop an attraction to the woman whose been interested in me this past month. Alas I've been largely unsuccessful. I occasionally can feel brief moments of attraction toward her, but the passions that I've experienced have never developed.

I've tried to figure out the differences between her and the people who I have developed crushes on. She's short and heavy, the others have all been tall and slender. She doesn't emote about her passions, but instead has been talking about practical things, like what is the least objectionable job that would pay well. Further contradicting her pragmatism some of the other women I've been interested in have been quite passionate about changing the world toward some set of ideals they hold.

Her strong points are that she's also far more emotionally available than anyone I've dated before. Not to mention she's also been kinder than most. For instance she's been willing to hold me when I've been upset. (Though she did tease me about how unusual it was for someone to say in a rather calm voice how incredibly anxious they were feeling.)

I'm worrying that my reasons for not being interested in her are too impure; that it's really because I'm not attracted to the short and overweight and all the other things are just rationalizations to cover this shallowness. Or another negative interpretation is that I'm not comfortable with relationships and so prefer pursuing the unobtainable.

Though since she has been rather nice to me, it's almost tempting to just go along with what she wants and ignore this lack of attraction on my part. Though that way would seem to me to lead to relationship based on a sense of duty and obligation which seems rather unfair to her.

I do wish that the range of who I found attractive wasn't so small.

Also I should talk to her about this tonight.
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