November 21st, 2003

depressed

Why do I bother

Desire leads to suffering.

I desire to be loved. This desire has brought me nothing but agony throughout my entire life. There is no outcome other than utter misery.

I want what I can never have.

I watched other women casually show interest in the cute activist with a confidence that I could never match. Although I think that she's impressed with my intelligence and knowledge, I doubt that she finds me attractive.

Nor do women ever act like they want my number.

She does worry about hurting people and the frustrating thing is that in some situations is that because of conflicting desires, someone will be hurt. It's not really anyones fault, it just happens.

Or perhaps I just give up too easily.

Whatever, I still feel rejected, lonely, and rather doubt there exists any woman who would be willing to put up with my insecurities and lack of confidence in my body. (Though they probably don't know why I'm only ever a friend and never someone's romance.)
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed
thoughtful

What to do

The rational portion of myself has managed to force itself over my depression and remind me that although I feel hopeless I should continue being friendly with this woman. I know that I'm jumping to the conclusion that she likes these others better than me because of my insecurity more than any of her actual actions.

Though one interesting challenge is how to strike up a conversation with her again. I think she picked up that my feelings were hurt and she feels bad that about accidentally hurting people. So I'm guessing depending on how much she knows of my collapse of confidence that I may have made her feel bad about herself.

It would help if I could do better at maintaining some detachment.

Not to mention at least look confident.
  • Current Mood
    insecure
thoughtful

#$*&@#$ computer

This morning I wanted to check my email and discovered that OS X once again couldn't give me the "unlock your terminal" screen after waking up. Usually it fails when I stick in the usb keyboard when I'm waking it up.

I'm getting fed up with this OS X experiment. I think it may be time to decide on a well supported x86 laptop and go back to x86 linux. (PPC linux does work, but all those annoying closed source packages like say, java, acrobat, and the flash player aren't available.
  • Current Music
    DI.fm Vocal Trance
thoughtful

stubborness

I wish I was stubborn about useful things like work or activism instead of being stubborn about not liking myself.
  • Current Mood
    frustrated frustrated
thoughtful

friendship

A friend came over tonight and spent some time being supportive and challenging me some. One comment she made really stood out, for her when she was feeling lonely and thought that she wanted a lover, what actually helped her was building better friendships.

I do have trouble maintaining friendships and it's hard for me to feel emotionally connected with the few friends I do keep.

Since trying to make a significant other meet all of your emotional needs seems doomed to failure, so perhaps I should work at being a better friend.

I should also like and respect myself and do things that I enjoy.

So for things that I enjoy, anyone know where I can get an IBM Thinkpad T41 this weekend? I'm annoyed with OS X and want to have an x86 laptop. (Or any suggestions for laptops with good sized screens that are reasonably well supported under linux?)

As for the cute girl, perhaps it's okay to say that I'm still not emotionally ready for a romantic relationship, though I should make efforts at being friends. That's not giving up from poor self-esteem or trying to use her to solve my own insecurities.

And I should stop feeling like a freak for one of my sources of pleasure being showing off my leet geek skills to my fellow hyper-geeks. (Though it really does help to have fellow geeks who show appreciation for your accomplishments.)
  • Current Mood
    neutral