July 17th, 2001

thoughtful

(no subject)

It's not frigging fair.

A friend mentioned their success in improving their abilities at dealing with dating and all its related horrors because of getting glasses and that it allowed better observation of others non-verbal cues.

I reacted poorly. First I wrote a rabid response describing why glasses would not help me deal with the long list of issues I have. Then I got depressed. Then there was some more depression. And after dinner another round of depression, self-hate, frustration, suicidal fixation and other run of my mill unpleasantness.

It's not fair that the slightest wrong comment about love and relationships, and I start fantasizing about introducing the blue lines in my wrist to sharp pointy things.

I think the despair comes from my hopelessness about me ever having a successful loving relationship that doesn't involve an emotional betrayal. Needless to say collapsing into a fetal position whenever someone even mentions this in front of me is an excellent method of crushing any potential interest they might've had.

To build a really good psychological trap really requires something of the pattern.

If x, then y and if y then x.

Getting really stuck needs the feedback loop.

Hmm... and once again writing in my journal about it in a nice dispassionate way really does help at putting my emotions back in the proper little box.
  • Current Mood
    woe is me