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Jun. 10th, 2003 | 03:54 pm

I was recently told that she ment just regular friendship.

I feel somewhat sad, but that's mostly because it's nice be able to entertain a glimmer of hope. Even if I'm aware that it is a glimmer, and based on a bad idea. (Self-deception seems to always offer promises of pleasantries. And this hasn't been the only time I've really been impressed by someone and wanted to misinterpret their behavior in a way that I want).

I guess what I'm most saddened by is I seem to be so much better at being friends with people than dating them. For instance the two really significant relationships I had the dating part only lasted a few months, but we were close friends for a number of years around that.

I wish I knew why I'm always the friend (in the larger context, in this case it's pretty easy to know why). I am lonely and wish I knew what I could do about it.

I like to think that I have some social skills and am not creepy, and perhaps that I also come included with a rich and interesting intellectual life.

Though there is one other thing that I thought of while composing this, which useful to help understand myself. My frequent tendency to end up the friend is one the things that helps encourage my belief that I must be unattractive. Yet since I'm still interesting enough for people to want me around as their friend, I tend to end up thinking my mind must be good and my body must be bad.

Mostly I just feel unhappy because I'm reminded of the larger sense of lonliness that I try to ignore, both because I find it depressing and that it makes me come off as desperate which I've learned is one of the greatest sins one can commit in trying to be available to romantic relationships.

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Comments {2}


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from: soulspirals
date: Jun. 11th, 2003 07:11 am (UTC)

I have found that I don't tend to choose my romantic partners based on looks. I know this, because I am categorically physically attracted to "women" and intellectually and emotionally attracted to "men". So, I frequenty end up in relationships with "men" because those aspects are the most compelling to me. When I've created and strengthened that connection with someone, the physical chemistry usually follows. But I can't always say that there is serious physical attraction involved.

That said, I'm sure i'm not the only one who doesn't worry so much about looks. Something about the other values and intellectual stimulation that some of us are seeking.

Oh yeah, and you're wallowing again. You should make a list of all the things you love about yourself or are grateful for. Better than that, do it every day - minimum list length of 10 or 15. For a real challenge, make it 20, and allow yourself no repeats in the course of a week. *grin* And yes, I have doen this exercise myself.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Jun. 11th, 2003 10:31 am (UTC)

I know that I was wallowing... but something rather disappointing had just happened. People tend to feel depressed after disappointment, I'm feeling better today.

I don't like to admit it, but a big reason I worry about my appearance is that I am influenced by others appearance.

Basically I'm suffering from the common problem with monogamy, I want someone who I'm attracted to mentally, emotionally, physically and who reciprocates.

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