Diane Trout (alienghic) wrote,
Diane Trout


I was recently told that she ment just regular friendship.

I feel somewhat sad, but that's mostly because it's nice be able to entertain a glimmer of hope. Even if I'm aware that it is a glimmer, and based on a bad idea. (Self-deception seems to always offer promises of pleasantries. And this hasn't been the only time I've really been impressed by someone and wanted to misinterpret their behavior in a way that I want).

I guess what I'm most saddened by is I seem to be so much better at being friends with people than dating them. For instance the two really significant relationships I had the dating part only lasted a few months, but we were close friends for a number of years around that.

I wish I knew why I'm always the friend (in the larger context, in this case it's pretty easy to know why). I am lonely and wish I knew what I could do about it.

I like to think that I have some social skills and am not creepy, and perhaps that I also come included with a rich and interesting intellectual life.

Though there is one other thing that I thought of while composing this, which useful to help understand myself. My frequent tendency to end up the friend is one the things that helps encourage my belief that I must be unattractive. Yet since I'm still interesting enough for people to want me around as their friend, I tend to end up thinking my mind must be good and my body must be bad.

Mostly I just feel unhappy because I'm reminded of the larger sense of lonliness that I try to ignore, both because I find it depressing and that it makes me come off as desperate which I've learned is one of the greatest sins one can commit in trying to be available to romantic relationships.

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