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late night self-analysis

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May. 29th, 2003 | 01:04 am
mood: sleepysleepy

I think it's frustrating that my coping mechanism for dealing with being reminded that other people have romantic relationships is to try to avoid things that remind me that relationships exist.

In order to actually end up in a relationship requires that I make an effort in some way as my life doesn't include meeting new people. However since making an effort means that I'm thinking about relationships when nothing immediately happens I rapidly return to the familiar pain of feeling rejected. (Even though I suspect I'm giving up to quickly).

Once I slide into depression it's difficult to free myself again, especially since being depressed makes me even more certain that no one would be attracted to me, which leads to more depression. I feel that the hypothesis that being depressed makes me unattractive much more likely than my usual irrational belief that I'm am inherently unattractive. (where in this case attractive means what ever motivates people to be in something other than a friendship).

Although somewhat effective at keeping my life functional avoiding things that remind me of relationships makes it challenging to actually heal enough to actually start a romantic relationships.

I also feel like a big whiner since I've been beating my head against this issue for many, many years with little observable progress. (Well actually it does seem like I've been getting better at distracting myself, and so I don't stay depressed for as long).

Also I wish my therapist was back, that way I could complain to her and not to the world.

On further reflection it also occurred to me that one of my problems is that I've never felt "lovable", having little idea what such a thing is like makes it harder to believe that it might be true.

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