Diane Trout (alienghic) wrote,
Diane Trout
alienghic

Grrr...

Last weekend I went to a retreat with the caltech LGBT group. Unfortunatly for me I found part of the event quite traumatic, resulting in my crying for quite some time. (Though thankfully a couple of the women were supportive and helped me through--leading me to an interesting post about gender roles that I'll hopefully make in the near future).

However being me I had to come up with ideas what triggered my emotional collapse.

I think the first thing was a number of gay boys are quite worried about not living up to the rather harsh appearance standards of gay male culture. As a result they can be quite brutal about picking on those who try eating anything that has a few calories in it. (Perhaps it's a jelous lashing out at someone having some tasty food).

So since I too have issues with my weight that wasn't a good start.

Then everyone went to the gay section of san diego (with they guys going to one club, the women to another). One of the women I was with is tall, thin, and has some idea about about how to present herself as attractive. Needless to say this reminds me how the only way to reach the body type I would like is through a conciousness transfer to a new body.

Then I saw a couple kissing. Having already been set up by having my "I feel like nothing I do would ever allow me to be attractive" button pushed, and then being reminded of how other people get to experience some physical affection sent me over the edge.

Though while being supportive of my mental collapse one of my friends did make a suggestion I hadn't thought of, that perhaps I could try joining a writing group or something as a better venue to meet available women. Caltech having gotten to know only 5 queer women in 2.5 years is bad place to try and meet women attracted to other women. (I think I know of 2 others queer women).

Lastly, I miss my therapist, as she's out of town for two weeks.
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