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sulking, sulking, over the id so blue

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Apr. 29th, 2003 | 12:12 am

I've been feeling a bit down recently. Largely because I think I'm foolishly developing a crush on my coworker.

It seems like as soon as I start entering the phase where I start to angst over wether or not there's a chance that she's interested I immediately flash back to the other times I developed crushes on someone. Unfortunatly most of the times I've had crushes on people I was left in horrible pain.

One case I remember after expressing interest in someone, she avoided from then on. Or the times that I was actually emotionally involved with someone I was dating, I remember the horry I experienced after being dumped and spending the next one and half years wallowing in severe depression.

So I think that as soon as start feeling like I might have a crush, I start remembering the years of depression, and then I shut my emotions down, erase the crush, and return to my safe single life.

Well, looking at what I've written I'm not sure how good of a model of my psychology it is, but it is leading me somewhere in my efforts at self-analyss.

I really do have limited patience for wondering if there's a chance of being involved with someone. I rather rapidly want to ask "So is it possible that you'd be interested in dating me?". Since I've picked up some cultural conditioning that doing that is a bad idea, I get frustrated at the lack of knowledge (and the angst caused by it) and give up all hope.

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