Diane Trout (alienghic) wrote,
Diane Trout

  • Mood:
So one of the lesbians here at Caltech suggested we go see Bitch and Animal at USC. I have to say they were really eclectic, unusual, and quite bizarre. But several of the songs were quite good (and rather clever).

One other odd things was in best liberal/progressive in-fighting tradition, there were protesters outside complaining about Bitch & Animal playing at the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival and supporting the womyn-born-womyn policy of the festival. Which is especially problematic for the group since one of the performers though born female is pretty far along the genderqueer/trans scale.

However for my weak body image I was pretty sure one of the women protesting was M-to-F, but she seemed cute (which in my twisted mentality means thin). So I've spent some fraction of the evening and today feeling terribly ugly again. (And yes I'll spend more time talking to my therapist about it this Thursday.)

But this happened to me last time I was making progress at loosing weight. I reached a weight rather similar to the one I'm now at and once again started feeling hopeless about my appearance. Currently I'm guessing my ideal weight is about 85 kg (or at least that's roughly what I weighed by the end of high-school) I've lost half of what I need to to reach that, and yet I still can't imagine ever being able to reach something resembling one of the women's standards of beauty.

For instance my wrists are noticeably thicker than most peoples, and although that's useful for being resistant to breaking bones, it still feels like it both marks me as being freakishly large. (Even if I lost all the weight I'd like to I'd still be much larger than most women)

(I was recently wondering which belief I'd give up first, me thinking I'm ugly, or being an atheist. Admittedly both beliefs are deeply held, but at least I'm aware that there is a strong bit of irrationalism about me feeling ugly.)

And yet, nothing I have ever done has ever made me feel attractive. At best I manage to feel appreciative that I am healthy (at an emotional level, I do regularly appreciate not having chronic pain for instance (well other than back pain, but I discovered I could control that with yoga so that doesn't really count anymore.))

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