Diane Trout (alienghic) wrote,
Diane Trout

Not fair

So, I went out to lunch with the cute woman in the lab next to mine. Unfortunatly for me she mentioned how when she was younger and in better shape than she is now, she believed that the guys used to act like she was quite attractive.

Needless to say, shortly thereafter I started feeling depressed about how I've never in my entire life thought myself attractive.

So even though my last blood test showed I'm stunningly healthy, and I've lost 16 kg in the past 17 months, I still think I'm ugly. Ignoring the fact clothes that were once too tight are now fitting fine. Or when people try and guess how old I look, they usually choose in the early to mid twenties, instead of anywhere near my actual age of 31 years.

I guess the scars of being first an alienated geek, then trans, and then overweight (with a corresponding internalization of the upper class weight standards for women) take quite some time to heal.

So what reinforces my belief of being unattractive is how rarely people seem to indicate they think I'm attractive.

However to be fair, I have realized that this could be explained by several different theories. First, the one I have the most difficulty with, that I am unattractive. Second, since I think I'm unattractive I just don't notice people showing interest. Third, my standards are quite high and I discount some of the people who've show interest because I'm not interested in them. Fourth idea, and the one I have the most trouble believing, I actually am attractive, succesful, highly intelligent, and as a result am quite intimidating. Fifth, the potential pool of queer freethinking vegetarian politically active women is just really small. And of course there might be other possibly explianation that I couldn't come up with

(I wonder if I should've turned that into a poll... )

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