Diane Trout (alienghic) wrote,
Diane Trout

kinda pathetic...

I went out to dinner with a large group of people from the caltech lgbt group recently. At one point a few of them were remarking on how they "didn't know any ugly vegetarians".

Without second thought I suggested myself as an example. It seems so obvious to me. Thinking back on it, I suspect I may have thought that they must not have known I was vegetarian. One of the people who I was closer to immediately told me I was wrong and that I need some more self-esteem.

Thinking about my reactions, it appears that I've internalized the belief that being overweight/large immediately implies ugly. Especially in my case.

It's also irritating that I've hit a plateu in my efforts to lose weight.

Though I did recently try and measure my heart rate at complete rest (just after waking up while lying in bed.) is 58 or 59 in that situation good?

I'm wondering that if I eat a healthy primarily fresh vegan diet and can comfortably do a century (100 miles) maybe I could accept whatever weight I ended up at. More likely I'd just feel even more despair at the horrid realization that there is nothing else I could do.

except for more therapy, that might help.

Though even though some of my motivation is for nasty self-hating reasons, at least I'm rational enough to be picking goals that are at least good for me.

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