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kinda pathetic...

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Sep. 24th, 2002 | 01:02 am

I went out to dinner with a large group of people from the caltech lgbt group recently. At one point a few of them were remarking on how they "didn't know any ugly vegetarians".

Without second thought I suggested myself as an example. It seems so obvious to me. Thinking back on it, I suspect I may have thought that they must not have known I was vegetarian. One of the people who I was closer to immediately told me I was wrong and that I need some more self-esteem.

Thinking about my reactions, it appears that I've internalized the belief that being overweight/large immediately implies ugly. Especially in my case.

It's also irritating that I've hit a plateu in my efforts to lose weight.

Though I did recently try and measure my heart rate at complete rest (just after waking up while lying in bed.) is 58 or 59 in that situation good?

I'm wondering that if I eat a healthy primarily fresh vegan diet and can comfortably do a century (100 miles) maybe I could accept whatever weight I ended up at. More likely I'd just feel even more despair at the horrid realization that there is nothing else I could do.

except for more therapy, that might help.

Though even though some of my motivation is for nasty self-hating reasons, at least I'm rational enough to be picking goals that are at least good for me.

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Comments {2}


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from: solri
date: Sep. 24th, 2002 05:20 am (UTC)

58-59 sounds fine. I'm about 55, relaxed, sitting in a chair with a moderate amount of caffeine in my system.

100 miles by what means. Bicycle? Walking? SUV? The only people I know who could do 100 miles in a day on foot were Roman legionaries, Zulu warriors and some Native Americans. 100 miles on a bicycle is pretty respectable.

I'd say if you have a normal heart-rate, eat healthily and are physically active, weight should not be a concern - OK, you might not have the body-shape you want, but, despite what adverts and women's magazines say, most of us can't do much about that. Bone-structure can't be altered much, if at all. Fat ratio is notoriously hard to change (mine was measured at 5.5%, which is basically that of a marathon runner in heavy training or an anorexic, and it doesn't change much no matter what I eat).

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Sep. 24th, 2002 02:32 pm (UTC)

I was thinking of bicycling 100 miles... I don't think I'd ever have enough spare time to deal with an ultramarathon.

I can consciously deconstruct societies unreasonable expectations about appearance, yet it doesn't seem to help improve my psychological state. And technological "solutions" like advanced cellular nanotech, brain transplants into a bioengineered clone body, or uploading to the net seem quite some distance in the future (if possible at all).

It seems to be a collection of issues, a childhood that encouraged a feeling of inadequate, being trans, and feeling quite far from an "acceptable" female appearance.

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