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Jun. 10th, 2001 | 12:23 am
mood: sadsad

I hate it when people mention sex around me. It seems so distant, so alien to my experiences. I can't really imagine how such a thing could ever actually involve me.

I'm quite sure that my issues with depression and body-image make things difficult, plus being attracted to people with certain types of "woman" gender who are also attracted to people with "woman" genders adds extra complexity. Especially since I added all that extra verbage for a reason. I'm not too sure many people have been exposed to the theories leading up to the idea of similar gender attraction as being distinct from same sex attraction.

Sex, sexuality, dating, relationships, and the people who do those things make me sad.

The worst part is I am a fragment of my culture, which loves to talk about sex & sexuality but only in a teasing unrealistic way. So I have these feelings like it's supposed to be important and people are "supposed" to be in relationships. And I end up feeling even more like a freak because I can't connect correctly. I've got the wrong baud rate, and I think I've got odd parity too.

There are people who can actually end up in relationships who I don't think are as anywhere near as self-aware as me. However, they might be more positive, and they almost certainly are better at self-promotion which might have something to do with it. Or perhaps I'm just engaging in self-sabotage.

whine whine pout pout... with an extra dose of feeling sorry for myself.

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Comments {5}

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from: anonymous
date: Jun. 10th, 2001 05:26 am (UTC)
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thanx for writing all you write about. It's good to read and I sorta identify with some of it.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Jun. 10th, 2001 10:34 am (UTC)
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Thanks for your kind words.

I sometimes wonder if i'm being too open, and sharing too much information about myself here. But it is nice to find out that there are those who appreciate it.

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borrowed blue photography

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from: dreaming_soul
date: Jun. 14th, 2001 07:00 am (UTC)
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The girl is out there.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Jun. 14th, 2001 02:10 pm (UTC)
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But it seems like the only women I meet who are attractive and intellectually stimulating are bi, poly, and in a long-term relationship (LTR) with a guy.

The bi part is fine, with time I can probably deal with the poly part, but the pre-existing LTR is hard for me deal with as I tend to feel like I'd be yet another 'relationship'.

I don't know if it's that women who are bi-poly tend to have a richer intellectual life, or if I feel more comfortable with them because I've written off the possibility of a 'relationship'. Or perhaps it's that I randomly ended up meeting some interesting women through other bi-poly people and since it's easest to meet people through thoes that you know I keep meeting more of the same.

So the question that's frustrated me is where do you meet single queer women with rich intellectual lives?

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borrowed blue photography

Re:

from: dreaming_soul
date: Jun. 14th, 2001 02:32 pm (UTC)
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Coffeeshops, library, involve yourself in lesbian pot lucks, lesbian hiking clubs, lesbian bowling leagues... volunteer at lesbian oriented places...

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