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Interesting theory

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Mar. 6th, 2002 | 02:29 pm

I've developed a theory partially explaining my current difficulties in dealing with people that I've know for some time. It's beginning to look like as I develop a better attitude toward myself, my need for external validation of being a worthwhile person and/or escape from the torments from my own mind lessens my need for others to be present in my life.

Without those need motivating me to want to spend time with others, a more misanthropic side of myself seems to to be gaining ascendency. And unfortunately for me, I tend to be pretty transparent about what I'm thinking and feeling.

So now it's becoming obvious that some number of people have liked me more than I've liked them. (I've quietly thought this was true, but tended not to mention it to anyone).

I guess the motivations I currently have toward who I feel like spending time with seems to be based around who I presently find to be interesting. Which seems to be defined by some collection of shared interests, compatible values, and well formulated thoughts about subjects I care about. For those for whom my interests have diverged to far, I've become less interested in spending time with them.

Unfortunately it seems like that over-rational logic seems to leave me in situations with people I've know getting hurt by me. Which bothers me, I'd prefer not to be hurting others, but it seems like those processes make it inevitable.

Or perhaps this all this theorizing is just trying to explain some problems I've been having with some specific people as being entirely my fault. Maybe another theory is I've just gotten tired of being friends on their terms and want more freedom to be my own self.

What do other people think makes a reasonable motivation to consider someone a friend?

Is being motivated to be friends because someone brings an experience of pleasure because they're interesting and ending friendships because their value systems are unpleasant or their interests are rather different treating that person as and ends or a means? (Basically are those reasonable reasons for shifting ones friendships around?)

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Comments {5}

Robin

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from: solri
date: Mar. 6th, 2002 02:53 pm (UTC)
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Basic social skills, congruent interests and a pleasant personality.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Mar. 6th, 2002 03:28 pm (UTC)
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Good list, what do you do when the interest shift, and the pleasantness becomes spotty?

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Robin

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from: solri
date: Mar. 6th, 2002 03:54 pm (UTC)
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Gently drift apart.

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Clare T. Rampling

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from: rampling
date: Mar. 6th, 2002 04:37 pm (UTC)
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I believe that there are differing levels of friendships. The lighter levels of friendship, one can drift closer or further away or completely away without deep discussions or feeling like you've been particularly unfair.

However, for closer and longer-term friendships, I believe it's rather unfair to just drift away or drop it without more discussions or explanations. A certain level of connection and trust and continuing expectations has been built up in such a relationship, and leaving the other person hanging without reasons is not a fair thing to do, IMO. Good friends can count on each other to help the other out, which I find a very valuable thing, a thing worth nurturing. I enjoy the hanging out and fun times, but also appreciate the mutual support aspect of a good friendship. If your interests diverge too dramatically from a (former) good friend, "drifting off" is not the fair answer. At that level, problems should be addressed directly -- then perhaps drifting off can be the agreed-upon answer.

I remember being "tested" as to whether I was a good friend, multiple times, over the past few years; now I find I've been dropped. I know I'm really sick of abandonments, and I can feel it from (formerly) good friends too. I have lost much of my former sense of safety and trust in people lately.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Mar. 6th, 2002 10:00 pm (UTC)
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I'm not sure how well to answer this, I'm still processing. I'm still not sure I'm ready to actually face you. My course of action is still not well determined.

On the other hand, procrastination does come rather easily to me, and I have a long history of avoiding people for whom I perceive as being angry.

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