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Feb. 27th, 2002 | 02:01 pm

I was responding to an email that reminded me of some of my issues with relationships and sexuality.

So does anyone have any idea how I might be able to find emotionally close romantic relationships while I'm anywhere from uncomfortable to terrified of sexuality?

I've tried going to assorted queer conversation groups, but people there tend to like sex. Unfortunately the other alternative I lean toward, staying home and being depressed isn't really a good choice either.

Some the extra difficulties are I'm a women mostly attracted to women[*] and have the extra stigma of being trans. Also I've got a long standing tendency to respond to negative situations with depression.

[*] Preferably androgynous, intellectual ones.

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Comments {11}

Robin

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from: solri
date: Feb. 27th, 2002 04:34 pm (UTC)
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So does anyone have any idea how I might be able to find emotionally close romantic relationships while I'm anywhere from uncomfortable to terrified of sexuality?

Choose someone who is sexually incompatible.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Feb. 27th, 2002 06:06 pm (UTC)
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as in gay man or straight woman? or best yet, someone asexual.

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Robin

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from: solri
date: Feb. 27th, 2002 11:49 pm (UTC)
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Precisely.

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Life Rebooted

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from: hopeforyou
date: Feb. 27th, 2002 09:35 pm (UTC)
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I imagine there are other women out there who are similar to yourself, who also prefer to bond on an emotional and intellectual level and focus less/not at all on sex. Where to meet them is a good question, though...Maybe some group or organization exists where you can meet other women who share your intellectual interests who also might possibly not care about sex but care about deeply emotional relationships? Women In Technology Institute would be where I would look for such a woman myself...But maybe certain environmental and politically progressive groups could hold promise for you?

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Feb. 27th, 2002 10:54 pm (UTC)
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quite possibly, though my personal pessimist likes to worry that I wouldn't be able to discover that someone might have a compatible orientation in a general group. Of course I could try going to a womens studies conference... I think the women there are more likely to be queer.

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from: ex_elgecko29
date: Feb. 27th, 2002 10:29 pm (UTC)
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We have a lot in common, in terms are wanting a romantic and non-sexual relationship, but obviously the source of my struggles are dramatically different.

While I can't really offer any advice, as I seek the same advice, I just wanted to let you know that your not alone in this.

I really wish you good luck and hope.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Feb. 27th, 2002 10:52 pm (UTC)
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Thanks... currently my "best" idea has been to invent time travel and jump back to 1890. Women were still having romantic friendships then and the world had gotten to the point where a woman could occassionally manage to survive without a husband.

If I was religious my chances might be better as well, since I think being sexually repressed is more common among the religous conservatives.

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(no subject)

from: ex_elgecko29
date: Feb. 28th, 2002 06:43 am (UTC)
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I somethimes think, "If I could find a nice chaste christian girl..." then I think about the realities of that, which would probably make me run screaming into the night if I found such a woman. ;-)

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Feb. 28th, 2002 01:41 pm (UTC)
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Yes, the rest of my world view doesn't fit all that great.

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T e s s

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from: soulsong
date: Feb. 28th, 2002 03:15 am (UTC)
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Tis a really tricky one. Like you I'm not hugely interested in the sexual act and never have been. This has definitely been the biggest problem for me when finding a partner. Having similar expections of level or type of sexual activity seems to be possibly the number one criteria in keeping a relationship together. At least, that's how it's been for me.

I have two suggestions. Firstly I would advise that gay/lesbian groups might not be the best place to look, due to their understandable focus on sex. I havent looked but surely there must be groups out there for people who wish to be celebate?

My second suggestion is a little more uncomfortable, but based in my own personal experience. I've recently begun to get over my discomfort about sex with the help of an incredibly sensitive and supportive partner. I even find myself (shock, horror) *wanting* it these days, although admittedly not nearly as much as my partner would like :). So I would suggest that maybe you're not as doomed to follow your current path as you might think.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Feb. 28th, 2002 01:50 pm (UTC)
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Surely there must be groups out there for people who wish to be celebate?

So far all I've found was a mailling list and a few scattered web pages.

get over my discomfort about sex with the help of an incredibly sensitive and supportive partner

I've thought that could happen, I just don't know how to get out of the vicous circle of needing a supportive partner to escape my fear of sex, yet having my fear drive people away.

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