?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Depression

« previous entry | next entry »
Feb. 6th, 2002 | 01:11 am
mood: Despair

So yesterday, I got a chance to ask the woman that I was somewhat interest a small question about her orientation. I asked why she thought she might be bi, and in the process of talking about that got a comment about her "in the long term being more interested in guys."

So I gave up on trying to ask her out before ever actually trying. Retreated back into my sense of overwhelming hopelessness about ever finding "love" with someone whose interests even remotely overlap with mine. At this point I'm wondering why I should want something I've never had.

I hate feeling. It makes me so weak, and I wish it would stop.

So tonight at the caltech LGBT group I was rather quiet and slowly slid further into my depression. Though at the end shockingly two women (who just started going out with each other (Which is yet another thing that depresses me)) ended up being concerned about how I was doing.

And after I managed to say "badly" they were rather nice about sitting with me and trying to be comforting. So I get to escape fantasizing about slitting my wrists for tonight. The actually gave me more human physical contact than I've experienced in several years.

I suppose I should actually ask this woman that I was interested in if she might be interested instead of just immediately giving up.

Why is it so hard to find a woman whose more on the lesbian side of orientation spectrum, who doesn't like sex that much, is nice, can appreciate geeky interests, is an intellectual, and is monogamous, available, and would be willing to get involved with a trans-woman. Oh yes, and I'm evil and have some bias against people who are overweight (such as myself.).

Link | Leave a comment | Share

Comments {7}

Bram Boroson, Master of Subtle Ways and Straight

(no subject)

from: bram
date: Feb. 6th, 2002 01:48 am (UTC)
Link

Hi alienghic, I'm sorry to hear that you're so depressed.

I've been meaning to say that I go into Pasadena pretty often to hang around with LQ and maybe some time you'd want to hang around too. Plus, sometimes I go there and we don't meet up!

My LJ friend mere seems to have quite the female-only social life at Smith College. I wonder how she will manage after graduation.

Caltech strikes me as a non-ideal place for lesbians as (at least historically) it's been much more male than female. One strike--and then among those females, those who waver in their orientation find many more males to choose from and who are actively choosing them, strike two. I don't know it from up close though.

That sounds like a good group, that the people there notice when you're down...

Reply | Thread

Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Feb. 6th, 2002 09:18 pm (UTC)
Link

Yes, the two trends that you mentioned about Caltech really do seem to apply. I have seen the second, where people who are bi, most frequently end up with guys. (I think it even applies to the bi men.)

As for meeting up, when do you usually show up in pasadena?

Reply | Parent | Thread

Bram Boroson, Master of Subtle Ways and Straight

(no subject)

from: bram
date: Feb. 7th, 2002 04:56 pm (UTC)
Link

Well, this week LQ and some friends may come down to Claremont for some hiking on Saturday, and then for a feast at "A Taste of Claremont" sponsored by the Rotary and featuring a variety of food. Let me know if you're interested! I can probably arrange for someone to drive you.

Reply | Parent | Thread

(no subject)

from: sensuousness
date: Feb. 6th, 2002 02:32 am (UTC)
Link

The actually gave me more human physical contact than I've experienced in several years.

Just thought I'd take a moment to remind you of some of the snuggling we've done together. I think you even have pictures of us in physical contact with each other, if I'm not mistaken. And I even think we were both smiling in them. *big smile*

Oh, and as for the woman who "thinks she might be bi", it's a normal interim step to think you are probably "in the long term being more interested in guys." Give her a break! She's not even fully out yet! And give yourself a break, too. Go ahead and ask her, if you're really interested.

And if you keep talking about wrist slitting, I might have to somehow temporarily alter you so that there is more than one entity without opposable thumbs in your apartment. *evil grin*

Reply | Thread

Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Feb. 6th, 2002 09:34 pm (UTC)
Link

Okay, I tend to forget positive things, so it was more like the first time I'd been actually held by someone for several months.

As for the possibly bi woman, how does it develop? She's has her uncertanty, not a whole lot of experience, and I think she mentioned that she tended to not be that attracted to people. However the few times she's found women attractive have just been for moments. So although it's amazingly rare for me to find a nice, available, gamer, geeky, car-free, feminist, progressive woman whose not to comfortable with sex I'm still a bit worried about her uncertanty about being bi. (And given that list you can see why I might be attracted to her.)

But without opposible thumbs how could I eat? I do need food to survive right?

Reply | Parent | Thread

Robin

(no subject)

from: solri
date: Feb. 6th, 2002 05:34 pm (UTC)
Link

I hate feeling

Yes, I know that feeling (sic). But what is a feeling but a thought with physical components? When I solve a problem in, say, Perl (and believe me, I am not good at this stuff), that is also a feeling.

From what I can gather from your LJ entries, intimacy and support (however expressed) are very important, but sex isn't, except as a means to that end. This isn't so bad. Some of my most satisfying relationships were with lesbians who (obviously) had no sexual interest in me. Sex and love often go together, but most of the time it's self-deception - "I fancy her, so I ought to love her EOR I love her, so I should find her attractive."

As for the overweight thing, I have the same problem myself, but can usually solve it by looking at a few Renoirs and Rubens. Don't spread this over the net, but, while I preferred my wife's body when she was lithe, muscular and generally kick-ass, I can still appreciate it in its current, twenty kilos above ideal weight, state.

Reply | Thread

~*frigid bitch*~

umm..yeah!

from: maryrose
date: Feb. 7th, 2002 11:13 am (UTC)
Link

Yeah, so, my lucenti needs to be de loused, would you help me..?
I need some help?.......sorry your sad:( Depression sucks..I know I am there....I kind of have the same problem only different......I am in love but she isn't...well..she could be but I don't get to see her..long story, don't want to bother you with it but cheer up........you can delouse my lucenti!!!
later
XOXO
whitegirl

Reply | Thread