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And now for something completely depressed

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Nov. 7th, 2001 | 12:35 am

*sigh*

Maybe I should just stay curled up with my books and computer? For some reason going to tonights Caltech LGBT group left me depressed. Though it could've also been clare's stories of her weekend.

Hmm.. maybe I just get depressed whenever anyone brings up sex. After the group clare and I talked with a couple of bi-women students. One of them made reference to spending the night with her boyfriend and implied that wasn't platonic. They also talked about their experiences of being bisexual as well, as the conversation progressed I kept feeling more and more alienated. And since my foot was hurt I couldn't walk home.



One in a lesbian chat I brought up my frustration with sexuality, the frightening part was I ended up breaking down. I couldn't keep my voice controlled.

People seem to focus on the how important being able to have sex in their romantic relationships is, and every time I hear that I feel all the more distant and hopeless.

All I really remember about my times of trying to engage in sex was crying and thinking about math (thinking about pure abstract thought seemed far more comfortable than the icky biological stuff going on around me.).

My best memory of the whole process was once I remember thinking "Hey, this doesn't suck as badly as usual, it might even be vaguely pleasant." We broke up shortly thereafter, and I've never had that experience since.

How can I even really talk about my issues when they're at this complex intersection of abuse, feeling repulsive, being trans, not feeling like I'm allowed to have an orientation because of what I find attractive, growing up in a fundamentalist church with broken parents..

*sob* [ed. note diane stepped away from writing this to go sob into her pillow for a while ]

I live in a world where my friends are going off to S&M parties, and I get embarrassed by the idea of kissing a girl--on the cheek.

Also for some reason I've got this weird mental connection between sex and love. For some reason I keep assuming that you've got to close your eyes and do "it" for god and country in order to get to the good affection part.

Not to mention are culture likes to reinforce the importance of sex at the expense of love. (The book I'm reading Can't by my love pointed out that in many ads couples are in very sexual positions, yet look completely bored and uninterested in the other person. (ah, good safe rational thinking far from that messy morass of confusing bewildered feelings.))

I've had friends who suggested spending time alone trying to get comfortable with sexuality, and yet, it's really hard to try 'cause if I do, I just end up feeling dirty and icky.

I can't even shove this away and focus on having a good clean Victorian romantic friendship because of the stupid socialization linking the importance of sex to love.

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Comments {14}

Robin

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from: solri
date: Nov. 7th, 2001 02:17 am (UTC)
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trying to engage in sex was crying and thinking about math

Minus the crying, that doesn't sound too bad. Why is it that when we're having sex we're either supposed to think nothing at all or romantic thoughts about our partner? Sex and math sounds like a good combination to me.

You're absolutely right about the unnecessary linking of sex and romance in our society. Either one is possible without the other, but we're led to believe that something is wrong in such cases.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Nov. 7th, 2001 02:29 am (UTC)
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supposed to think nothing at all or romantic thoughts about our partner

Though shouldn't someone want to at least be paying attention to whats going on? Do you think that having ones mental processes rapidly spinning trying to keep ones attention far from what going, is a bad thing?

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Robin

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from: solri
date: Nov. 7th, 2001 04:21 am (UTC)
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No more with sex than with anything else. I'd like to be able to make love with the concentration of a Zen archery master, but realistically I have to put up with my mind multi-tasking sometimes.

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[you'll find a light, find a friend, find a way]

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from: artemii
date: Nov. 7th, 2001 05:51 am (UTC)
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i know somewhat what you mean (minus the trans aspect of course). i used to relate to sex in this way: it was better than cleaning the bathroom, but about equal with doing the dishes, or maybe not quite as fun. for what it's worth, i don't feel so bad about it any more. it's taken several years, but there you go.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Nov. 7th, 2001 03:05 pm (UTC)
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So out of curiosity what helped you get better?

It seems like I've been getting steadily worse in the years since my last relationship.

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[you'll find a light, find a friend, find a way]

(no subject)

from: artemii
date: Nov. 8th, 2001 06:08 am (UTC)
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sleeping with people i actually wanted to sleep with was a big help.
originally i wasn't even able to discern between them and others.

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(no subject)

from: ex_elgecko29
date: Nov. 7th, 2001 01:59 pm (UTC)
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Wow, I hope you don't mind my reading your journal (though we do know each other IRL), but I really empathize with your words as this is where I am too in many many ways. It stresses me out so much how sex can't be separated from love in so many. I find myself wishing for the type of relationships I dreamed about in junior high school sometimes because of it.

I wish you peace.

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Nov. 7th, 2001 03:49 pm (UTC)
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Hi!

You're more than welcome to read my journal... :)

There's this one web site I found on involuntary celibacy. One the common features was a feeling of being left behind at a young age by ones peers who started experimenting with dating because they fit in better. At least for me as I get older the fear of being being ever more inexperienced relative to those around me continues to worsen.

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(Deleted comment)

Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Nov. 7th, 2001 09:02 pm (UTC)
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1. Sex and love are NOT mutually inclusive.

Yes, it's not too hard to find people interested in sex without love, but the reverse, love without sex seems rare.

WANTS to be engaging in sexual behavior, and is ENJOYING what is happening. Otherwise, it's not sex, it's molestation.

Molested? Me? In my early twenties by a pushy bi-woman in an open relationship? Just because they wanted it and I didn't have any reason to say no? (Then there was that married woman...)

I thought for it to be classified as date rape, you had to say no?

It took me until my late twenties to realized I didn't like what was going on and to start saying no. Of course in the process I built up a lot of fear and it's become really hard for me to ever get close enough to someone to say yes.

However, feeling traumatized at the very mention of sex IS a problem, since it's going to be impossible to avoid severe trauma on a regular basis in our culture.

I've noticed.

Sucks to be me doesn't it?

Maybe BECAUSE your issues are so complex, you should work harder at untangling them.

I'm trying I'm seeing a therapist, I've managed to talk about these issues in session. I've managed to bring it up in a chat group, but broke down before I could get any useful comments. There is no one in my life I feel I can trust enough to be emotionally close to. Not terribly surprising considering how badly hurt I've been by everyone I've ever tried to love .

I really have no idea what to do. One of the reasons for posting here is because I really need some suggestions on what to do.

All I've ever come up with is trying to start a deep emotional relationship with someone I could love who was willing to not consider sex important.

Of course when I hear people claim, "oh I wouldn't ever go out with someone who was a virgin at 23." It doesn't to much for my hope at ever finding such a person.

In the lesbian group, people seemed to be more likely to mention their latest sexual technique instead of how could you communicate with someone better.

Sorry for spewing, but this has been an intensely painful issue for me.

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(Deleted comment)

Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Nov. 8th, 2001 02:28 am (UTC)
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Have you considered checking out resources for abuse survivors? Perhaps a support group for that would be a place you could find others who understand where you're coming from.

I hadn't... I thought it was my fault for being abused... I was nominally an adult when all but one incident happened. Unless you count the anti-sex messages from dysfunctional parents in a fundamentalist church as abuse.

Not only were there the cases where I got manipulated into things there were some cases where I was actually trying to engage in sex, but because I was pre-op my bodies biological responses was the source of my torture. That certainly didn't help any, and thinking back on it that might have been what hurt me the most.

A year or so after my surgery, I tried to see if things down there worked. It did, though the response reminded me far too much of what it was like when male anatomy was attached to me. So I couldn't try experimenting for another year. I'm still scared of expermenting, for fear that I'll be reminded, and it'll trigger some kind of intense revulsion, self-loathing or anxiety attack.

I don't really know who else I could talk to who might have gone through a similar experience.

Thinking about another way to explain it might be to imagine someone in a repressive strict religious society who was caught masterbating, and then as punishment was repeatedly forced to do that to themseles while being tortured.

As for starting my own group that doesn't disturb me, that's easy I can just muck around with free software and environemntal issues, and never go anywhere near the stuff that terrifies me, however that doesn't really help much.

Being reminded of how other people are capable of dealing with sex and enjoying it just makes me feel ever more the freak. Which since I've been operating under the assumption that few people are willing to have a sex-free romantic relationship, my chances of being loved continue to decline.

Hmm... there's also the idea that if I ended up in a relationship I might want to try to have sex again, and I'm afraid that it'll end up hurting me like it did in the past.

Is it too much to ask of life, that I don't want it to be hurting me anymore?

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Nov. 8th, 2001 02:54 am (UTC)
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You know, that's probably more than anyone has ever done before to actually try and help me deal with this.

It's a good thing that I can touch type, it's really hard to see the keyboard through the tears.

It's good to have friends who are capable of caring.

So, do I have to send you email to join?

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(Deleted comment)

Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Nov. 8th, 2001 03:09 am (UTC)
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Thanks...

I hope I get through it somehow. I get tired of always being forced to see how much psychological suffering I can survive.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Nov. 8th, 2001 03:19 am (UTC)
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On a more practicale note, another good interest might be involuntary celibacy"

Also my LJ client didn't list safespae as a place that I could make a post to, should I be able to post?

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(Deleted comment)

Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Nov. 8th, 2001 03:35 am (UTC)
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I did... I even went and looked at the list in the full webclient. Though I've got 5 things I can post to (my journal and 4 other communities), could it be a free user account limit?

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