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Arguing

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Apr. 7th, 2004 | 02:41 am

I had another argument with J tonight--this time over the phone. It started innocuously with talking about her day, but eventually I told her that I was still depressed from yesterday.

She was frustrated with me trying to change her and force my rather bleak view of the future down her throat and that I need to deal with my own psychological issues as they're clouding my thinking.

I was fairly quiet though did point out the occasional double standard in her complaints, like how she wanted me to listen to what bothers her in her life but can't deal with what I worry about.

I feel depressed, angry, unhappy, and discouraged. Not to mention I really wish I could fall asleep.

I also think that these are irreconcilable differences and think this attempt at dating is probably over, though want to wait until after I calm down to make sure that its not just me being depressed.

What I've learned from this is that my politics are important to me, and that it's really hard for me to be close to people who don't like politics.

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Comments {3}

Life Rebooted

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from: hopeforyou
date: Apr. 7th, 2004 10:53 am (UTC)
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Is there a difference between trying to change someone's view and letting them know what's important in your life? I guess I'm asking if it's acceptable to you to date someone who doesn't believe what you do, but respects your beliefs and supports your actions in regards to those beliefs (eating vegan, using transit as much as possible, voting progressive, etc.)...

The one thing that is reaching me on a personal level is the 'how she wanted me to listen to what bothers her in her life but can't deal with what I worry about'. I've had conversations like that. I also know that when I have them when I *am* genuinely depressed, I tend to ramble and want to talk about my worries so much that the other person might have only a fraction of that time to discuss theirs and not feel heard. The thing is, it doesn't feel like that when I'm 'inside it'...it feels like I am just not getting my issues addressed.

I don't know if that's what could be happening here, but I thought it could be something to experiment with, and if it is...Maybe set a timer and talk about your stuff for 5-10 minutes and see if you can let her run with hers for the same amount? That way you could be assured of both speaking and being heard.

I'm sorry to hear you are angry and depressed, unhappy and discouraged. I hope you feel better.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Apr. 7th, 2004 03:01 pm (UTC)
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I'm not sure how much or how little I was speaking. I don't recall speaking at great length about world issues, though she was complaining that I never said anything positive about the world, not that I was dominating the conversation.

Since I tend to assume that people aren't that interested in technology or transhumanism, when I say something it tends to be about the state of the world.

Unfortunately my information tends to be pretty depressing to most people. (It's less depressing to me because I can see ways that these problems can be solved I don't feel as hopeless. Though since the solutions require significant changes in behavior most hedonistic people can't face it.

People seem to like me much better when I don't talk and just listen to them.

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Nafees

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from: nogbogfrog
date: Apr. 7th, 2004 05:31 pm (UTC)
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So this has nothing to do with the particulars of your interests. It's not specifically world politics or voting green or anything like that, which causes the issue. More generally it's just stuff we care about.

"Though since the solutions require significant changes in behavior most hedonistic people can't face it."

It is at best difficult to deal with a statement like that when one is not properly informed of issues. The outspoken types will likely become defensive, while the shy-quiet types may feel slighted. Basically, anyone but you will likely be offended.

In reality everyone has some kind of a pulpit. And we undeniably end up preaching from it without carefully explaining the premises. Or relating all the information that we know.

It takes patience mostly, and willingness. You have plenty of the former, but perhaps in this particular case, for this particular person, you haven't enough of the latter.

-n

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