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That was depressing

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Apr. 6th, 2004 | 01:02 am

I went to J's house tonight for dinner and she complained about my obession with the rather depressing state of the world. She started with trying to convince me to do something more positive, like raise money for a specific cause or some other activity that would involve dealing with random people--an activity I find extremely stressful.

As the night wore on I felt increasingly alienated and withdrew rather completely into myself. There were a few occasions where I was strongly tempted to pick up my stuff and walk out the door without saying further.

I feel really unhappy since I feel like I can't share anything that's important to me with her. I really like technology and she finds it unpleasant. I enjoy trying to understand the current state of the world while most people, including her, find it far to depressing to contemplate.

(The confusing thing is that for me focusing on the current state of our environment was less depressing than my feelings of my own life.)

Also since in her life most of the vegans she's known other than me have been crazy, she's not convinced that vegan propaganda is that acurate. She told me that she suspects the vegans lie to advance their agenda.

This conversation left me feeling distrustful of her and wanting to protect my feelings from her.

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Comments {11}

adrienne

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from: sapience
date: Apr. 6th, 2004 02:30 am (UTC)
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That sucks.

It sounds like you need some people in your life who feel the same way you do about environmentalism and veganism. I hope that, at some point, meeting new individuals with similar interests is less stressful to you than dealing with feeling so isolated because of your beliefs.

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[you'll find a light, find a friend, find a way]

(no subject)

from: artemii
date: Apr. 6th, 2004 02:57 am (UTC)
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agreed.

does knowing similar people online help, at all, in this regard? or no?

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Apr. 6th, 2004 02:16 pm (UTC)
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Well meeting people online could help me feel slightly less crazy, and to perhaps check to see if my conclusions are valid. Though online doesn't seem that useful for dating.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Apr. 6th, 2004 02:13 pm (UTC)
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I'm not even sure if they have to believe the same things, I'd actually enjoy a few polite discussions with someone debating differing positions. But I really do need someone who at least considers it important and is willing to discuss it.

I feel really frustrated with the constant attitude that "environmental issues are to depressing so I don't want to talk about it."

It's even more annoying when people say don't talk to me until you can tell me solutions. How are we supposed to come up with solutions if no one is willing to think of solutions?

Yes I should go meet others who are interested in similar issues but I have trouble finding them anywhere nearby. (And finding places with a concentration of queer women who are environmentally sensitive is even harder).

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soulspirals

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from: soulspirals
date: Apr. 6th, 2004 06:30 am (UTC)
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I would challenge you to say that to her. In a kind way, with as much openness as you find safe. Think about what would change that situation for you - both what you can do and what she can do. Then be willing to tell her what you can do, and ask her for what you would like.

If it doesn't go well, you will learn a lot. If it does go well, you learn something AND gain a whole new level in your relationship.

My 2 cents.

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Apr. 6th, 2004 02:21 pm (UTC)
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Later in the evening I told her that I was less hurt by the statement from her like "I find my own life challenging enough and I can't deal with all the negative information about the rest of the world", than her first few comments. Her frustration first came out as complaining about how I wasn't actually changing anything and that I should be raising money for various organizations or other such commonly accepted non-profit strategies. This really feeds into my overactive critic which prevents me from ever doing anything because nothing I do can ever live up to my expectations.

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velcrocat

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from: velcrocat
date: Apr. 6th, 2004 07:46 am (UTC)
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i think she might have a point, especially in light of your admission that focusing on the state of the environment is less depressing than your feelings for your own life.

when i focus on that stuff, i tend to get really depressed about it too. it might be positive and might help lift your depression a little to get out in the world and do something. volunteer for a beach clean-up, write your congresspeople, etc...

for me, focusing on dieting and weight loss is an escape from the problems in my life. it's a distraction. it sounds like vegan/enviornmental issues is your distraction from what is
really going on.

i think it's really hard to win non-vegans/vegetarians over to "the cause". people don't realize how strong the pro-meat/pro-consumerism propaganda is because they're brainwashed every day of their lives with it. vegan propoganda comes nowhere near that in my opinion.

i heard michael moore is making a movie out of fast food nation. have you heard that?

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Apr. 6th, 2004 02:27 pm (UTC)
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It's really hard for me to make any actual change as I frequently measure myself against an impossible standard.

Also most of the simple volunteer opportunities don't really resolve the issues that I'm most worried about. As far as I understand we need to design a society that doesn't use fossil fuel, is able to stop population growth, and to eat lower on the food chain (both for our own health and to leave some space on our planet for other species).

I really don't know how to best do those things, especially given my difficulties dealing with people.

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secretslip

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from: secretslip
date: Apr. 6th, 2004 12:17 pm (UTC)
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I don't think J is unique in finding your complaining about the State Of The World to be annoying.

You want her to accept you and your cares, that's obvious. But at least with the vegan thing, you want to convert her.

What I've learned is that there is a difference between accepting and changing. Sounds obvious right? But in practice it's easy to get lost.

You want J to care about the same things you care about and eat the same things you do. Is that really what you want from a partner? In the abstract I mean. What's important about a partner? That they agree with you about stuff? What stuff?

Resist the urge to "meld" or to "Become One" with J. Relationships don't have to go that way. You can each hold your own views on various topics and still get along fine. You don't have to debate or convince each other that you're right in order to stay in a relationship.

What do you think?

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Apr. 6th, 2004 02:08 pm (UTC)
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What's the point of a relationship when she isn't interested in anything I care about? Why should I be with someone who isn't interested in the core of my life?

A relationship needs some kind of friendship as its core, and friendships are based on some kind of shared set of core interests. It's true that you don't have to perfectly match all of each others interests but you do have to hold some in common.

Feeling lonely and just wanting sex doesn't seem like enough.

Also most of my life I've felt insecure, lonely, and unable to share myself with anyone. One of the things I really want in a relationship is a feeling of acceptance and support. For instance I think I could do better at having a positive impact, but since all my experiences shows that no one wants to hear from me I can't find the motivation to do anything.

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Jane Tutor

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from: pixelpoet
date: Apr. 6th, 2004 03:18 pm (UTC)
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yea i understand that, i feel the same

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