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Relationships, part 1

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Mar. 30th, 2004 | 12:29 am

sapience suggested that I write several essays about the woman I'm dating and some of my previous relationships over here. It seemed like a good enough idea that I should at least try.

Getting to know J

I met J at the LA centers lesbian conversation group (which is actually held in physical space, not digital space), about 8 weeks ago we started spending more time trying to talk with each other after the group ended. I suspect I was feeling a bit lonely and disappointed as I was still sulking because of my rejection from the vegan activist. During our talks she seemed reasonably bright and together, I learned that she was working on some type of masters degree in English.



Eventually she suggested we go do something together, such as watching a movie. After a few conversations we settled on a movie and I drove out to her place. After finishing the movie I suggested we go have dinner and managed to dust off some old memories from living in the area to help me find follow your heart.

We had a pleasant dinner chatting about produce and food quality, as the night ended she invited me to come back out and she'd attempt to cook me a vegan dinner. The following weekend I drove back to her place and partook of her cooking. After dinner we retired to her living room and sat on different couches, though soon into our conversation she started massaging my feet. Eventually I found myself thirsty and asked her for a drink of water, when she returned she pulled her couch closer to me.

At this point a light managed to start dimly glowing and I realized what she might want from me, and I switched to trying to sit on her couch. It wasn't long after that I found myself in her bedroom. Toward the end of having sex I had a flashback and broke down crying, and unlike many other people I've tried dating, she was actually willing to hold me and provide comfort.

From that point on we've spent a significant fraction of each weekend with each other. She's commented a few times on how odd I seem. She's used to women who have strong uncontrolled emotional outbursts, while I tend to describe how anxious I am much the way one might describe the inner workings of some machine. The combination of being introspective and too much therapy has made it easy for me to describe my feelings intellectually before I'm compelled to act out from them.

When talking she like to discuss the minutia of her daily life, which currently consists of choosing if she should switch to a different graduate program and her efforts for finding quality produce. She has listened to me talk about problems at work, and some of my research into environmental and animal welfare issues. Though being a meat eater she tends to stop me from saying too much about the problems of industrialized agriculture.

She's also not fond of technology, she was frustrated that her computer didn't manage to last 5 years and doesn't really seem to get excited by geeky abilities. (Though I did manage to impress her when I found the address of a restaurant we were looking for with the WAP browser on my phone).

In the times that we've had sex, there's only been one time where I might have initiated anything. I've explained it by my lack of a sex drive, however I do also know that when in close quarters with people who I do find physically attractive I do find myself turned on, which suggests that I do have at least some vestigial sex drive.

I have really appreciated cuddling and am still surprised that someone would be interested in me.

She has tried to push me to dressing better, as my clothing aesthetic is largely inspired by trying to prevent people from noticing me. I've tried pushing her to to vegetarian.

I think one of the things she finds attractive about me is my stability--I have a decent job and am reasonably emotionally together. On a number of occasions she's mentioned that she wants to do art but feels like she can't without a sense of stability. I think she also appreciates my intellect and I think she does find me physically attractive, though not her ideal. She's also commented that I'm good at sex--not bad for someone who is easily bored by sex.

I should go to sleep now, I hope that's enough of an answer for the first question.

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Comments {3}

adrienne

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from: sapience
date: Mar. 30th, 2004 03:43 am (UTC)
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I think it's a good start. As to whether it's "enough of an answer", this is really for you, so you'll have to decide whether it is or not.

The thing that stands out the most to me in what you've written is the complete lack of any mention of feelings of any sort on your part. The closest you came was, "At this point a light managed to start dimly glowing", and I'm not even positive that you were talking about yourself. You also stated, "when in close quarters with people who I do find physically attractive I do find myself turned on" - as though this is something that just occurs, without any real bearing on the interpersonal reaction that's going on.

I'm just getting this feeling that for you, there only seems to be one person - even in a relationship. (Please indulge my silliness: There can be only one!) There is either you, or the other person. You are either walled up inside your mind, studying the events occurring around you almost as if they aren't really happening to you, so that the other person is more a specimen whose behavior you are monitoring, rather than a human being who is interacting with you on a personal level; or you erase yourself, as if your individual identity becomes completely subsumed, and nothing is left to you but your idealized image of the other person.

And in both instances, I sense a very strong disconnection from yourself - from your body and emotions. I can't help but think that this disconnection may be at the root of things.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Mar. 30th, 2004 09:56 am (UTC)
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You're right about the light dimly glowing not being about me. I rewrote that section to be "a light started dimly glowing as I realized what she wanted from me".

I also feel like I have little feeling, I feel like I have no expectations, no hopes, no desires for this relationship--I'm merely mirroring what she wants in exchange for being held and having a tiny sense of feeling cared for.

My fear of ending it seems to be largely about not wanting to be alone again, and since everyone I am interested in never wants to reciprocate, why shouldn't I give in to someone else's desire? At least then somebody has a chance to be happy.

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Jane Tutor

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from: pixelpoet
date: Mar. 30th, 2004 10:13 am (UTC)
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awh..

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