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I'm evil

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Mar. 27th, 2004 | 01:12 am

I feel very superficial after telling the woman I've been seeing about my stupid fetish for tall thin women. (where she's cute but short and plump, kind of hobbit-esque)

Admittedly much of my fetish derives from the fact that I am attracted to tall thin women because they represent the ideal that I so desperately want to be. Much of her personality is quite compatible with me.

I just wonder why I don't seem crushed out on her since in most of my other relationships or attempts at a relationship I've suffered from major crushes.

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Comments {11}

[you'll find a light, find a friend, find a way]

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from: artemii
date: Mar. 27th, 2004 02:49 am (UTC)
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and i'm not sure why you would be in a relationship with someone for whom you don't have a crush.

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Josh

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from: irilyth
date: Mar. 27th, 2004 07:37 am (UTC)
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Doesn't the crush usually wear off over time anyway?

Most of my relationships have started with a crush, but few of the ended before (or immediately after) the crush phase ended.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Mar. 28th, 2004 12:46 pm (UTC)
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That's easy. Most of the time that I've had crushes on people have ended in one of two different ways. They either are completely uninterested in me, or they go out for a little while and then reject me after I had time to become more wrapped up in them. In the few cases this has happened to me its usually taken a couple of years to recover.

So I was wondering what a relationship with someone nice who found me attractive would be like. I was hoping that feeling comfortable with her would trump physical attractiveness.

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Josh

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from: irilyth
date: Mar. 27th, 2004 07:40 am (UTC)
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Your fetish for tall thin women is superficial, of course. But no more so than a fetish for redheads, or women with big boobs, or high heels, or most anything else people have a fetish for. Doesn't make you evil. (I suppose there might be some fetishes that are deep and spiritual, but I bet most aren't.)

Can you think elves are hot, and still be in a happy relationship with a hobbit? As long as you also like the hobbit, I don't see why not.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Mar. 28th, 2004 12:52 pm (UTC)
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I usually like spending time with her, though I'm still learning how to find balance between my desire to do geeky things and spend time with her.

I don't know about relationships, in many of my earlier experiences I had strong crushes and was passionately involved, but then found myself quite badly hurt when the relationship burnt out.

This time I don't have much passion or much of a crush, and my interest level oscillates between frustration and contentment.

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Josh

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from: irilyth
date: Mar. 28th, 2004 01:13 pm (UTC)
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Do you think of crushes and passion as entirely physical things? I've had crushes on people I'd only met in person once or twice (but had interacted with extensively by e-mail), and who I didn't think were unusually beautiful. Then again, I've spent a lot of time in long-distance relationships.

Are you frustrated by things about her, or things about yourself? e.g. you're frustrated because she dresses like a slob and you wish she'd take the time to look nice, or you're frustrated because you don't want to care how she dresses but you find that you do?

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Mar. 29th, 2004 11:47 pm (UTC)
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Crushes seem to be based on a combination of physical and psychological characteristics. In my life it seems like I'm most likely to develop a crush on someone who seems to have characteristics I'd like to develop in myself--such as a certain look or a more confident way of presenting their interests.

I'm frustrated by what seemed to be a fixation on her appearance, though as time as progressed I've realized that I'm also having trouble relating to her as well. She sometimes seems to be mildly disapproving of excessive amounts of technology, which given my geek interests feels frustrating.

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adrienne

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from: sapience
date: Mar. 27th, 2004 10:53 am (UTC)
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You know what I'd like to see? I'd like to see you write a series of really long entries. The first one would be about her. Talk about how you met, what your initial impressions of her were, what things were like between you before you got involved, how you transitioned into a relationship, what the relationship has been like, what your interpersonal dynamic is with her (power relations and such), how your feelings and attractions for her (intellectual, emotional, physical) have developed and what they're like now, and what you think her feelings and attractions for you are.

The next one would be about relationships you've had in the past. Talk about attraction, compatibility, power dynamics, self-esteem, maintaining individuality, emotional repercussions, etc.

The third one would be about what you want from a relationship right now. What do you want? What do you need? What do you expect? What do you hope for? What do you think is realistic? How important are these things to you? What do you think you should want, need, etc. versus what you actually do? Etc.

Then I'd like to see you talk about your current relationship again. What does it give you that you want? That you need? What are you not getting that you want? That you need? How do you feel about getting and not getting these things? How do you think she feels about you getting and not getting them? What do you think her wants, needs, and expectations are? What do you think she is and isn't getting from this relationship? How do you think she feels about the things she is and isn't getting? How do you feel about her getting and not getting them?

Then I'd like to see you do a final entry about your thoughts and feelings after writing all the rest of that.

Any chance you'd be willing to do it?

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Mar. 28th, 2004 12:54 pm (UTC)
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That's a big commitment, but it is a really brilliant idea.

I can try, though I expect it will take me some time to all of those entries.

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adrienne

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from: sapience
date: Mar. 28th, 2004 04:06 pm (UTC)
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Yeah, it is quite a tall order. I feel like I should've started with, "Your mission, should you choose to accept it..." :) But I'm glad you're considering it. Just think of it as (internal) research into a topic that is of vital importance. ;)

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Mar. 28th, 2004 12:56 pm (UTC)
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The experience of choosing to be in a relationship because of psychological compatibility instead of being blinded by attraction feels quite different.

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