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Sep. 5th, 2001 | 11:43 pm
mood: introspective

So I was pondering a comment by my therapist.



I'd mentioned that at this point if someone mentions things related to sex, sexuality, or sometimes even just dating, in anything other than in a detached manner, I leave.

She pointed out that, engaging in such a behavior could make finding relationships difficult.

I reflected on this thought for a bit and realized that living in 21st century America with it's obsession with teasing it's taboos about sex is frustrating for one stuck with a victorian women's view of sex, best summarized by "close your eyes and do it for god and country."

Thinking back on my experiences a large fraction of the times I tried to explore sexuality with someone had been because I felt that I should, or because I thought they wanted it.

I live in an era where people claim that they're "staying together because of the sex." Yet to me, that statement is incomprehensible. In my experience such things are largely icky and unpleasant, far more pleasurable experiences can be found doing math homework.

Synthesizing from these observations, no wonder I'm frightened of relationships and dating, what my society has taught me is that sex is a fundamental component of a close "romantic" relationship. Yet I don't like it. I've hypothesized that under ideal conditions I might eventually be able to deal with it, but short of that I don't really know how I can handle it.

So since I'm under the impression that everyone else wants to have sex in relationships, and I'm off looking for what Lillian Faderman in "Surpassing the love of Men" termed a "Romantic Friendship".

As far as I can tell the concept is virtually impossible to achieve in modern western society. The victorian's for whatever reason were capable of intense emotional bonds without genital contact. I want the love and companionship from a romantic relationship, yet I fear that such things only happen to those who are capable of expressing the connection in the context of sex.

*sigh* I want a relationship that starts off with lesbian bed-death.

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