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Aug. 18th, 2001 | 01:01 am

I've been involved with this organization catering to bi-people in the LA area. However my tenuous identification as bi continues to slip. Largely my orientation is toward women, but the actual label to describe who I'm attracted to is influenced to much by the world around me. The bi label has the advantage that regardless of my sex I can stay bi, the lesbian label has the disadvantage that I'm afraid of treading on someone else's cherished definition that keeps trans-people excluded. The downside to being bi is that many lesbians have claimed that they wouldn't date such a person.

On a more practical level the only women I seem to meet who seem remotely attractive to me are invariably bi, poly and in a long term relationship with a guy-like-being. (I've noticed recently that some of the guy like beings are rather off in the gender variant category).

However I have enough trouble trying to maintain a monogamous relationship, and regardless of what my poly-booster friends say, I don't think that low-key poly relationships are going to do anything positive to help me deal with my fears and insecurities and general inexperiance about relationships.

Which leads me to my current frustration one of my better friends (and ex-girlfriend), is the driving personality in BiNet LA. So I'm afraid of trying to have this conversation about how I want to distance myself from anything that would identify me to others as being bi. Both because I really want a relationship with another woman-gendered person (and therefore am not really bi), and my fear that being labeled bi is going to negatively impact my already microscopic chances of meeting someone who is a woman but isn't bi, poly, in a LTR with a guy-like-being.

Now of course the counter argument, is that not all bi people are poly. But I think that BiNet LA has been collecting more of the bi poly people. Since it's already leaning that way it's the bi poly's fit in a bit better.

This worry started a few months ago in the Long Beach Pride Festival when BiNet LA was going to march and I really didn't want to because I knew that women from lesbian chat were going to be there watching, and I desperately didn't want to be identified as a BiNet member.

So since there's another outreach this weekend I'm trying to avoid anyone with a connection to BNLA so I don't have to try and explain why I'm not helping.

However I feel sort of lame because I'm off being closeted and unsupportive because of worrying about trying to avoid an n+1'th level of bigotry, while I've still got several other potential sources for being avoided. (being a geek, trans, with bouts of severe depression, and scared of sex/sexuality jump to mind).

I'd thought of something that would make me happier about my involvement. If we changed the focus from being a bi organization to a queer organization. I'd be much happier if I felt I could recommend our events to lesbian friends and if I could maintain a level of plausible denyability about what my orientation is.

One last comment since many of my friends that I feel closest to are bi, poly women in LTR with, etc... I feel kind of weird for wanting a monogamous relationship.

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