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Flirting

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Nov. 27th, 2003 | 12:50 am

I really should be sleeping now, but this insight was too interesting not to share. I've wondered why a good chunk of the people I dated came from either the S&M or poly communities. It seemed odd since I'm intimidated by even vanillia sex and am so not poly.

Recently I was feeling frustrated with what I felt were pathetic attempts at flirting with the cute activist.

And then I understood. I have the feeling that you're supposed to flirth with "typical" people through actions, and that always feels awkward to me.

I realized that I really like to talk everything through before doing anything, preferably more than once.

Both the S&M and Poly communities value that style of highly verbal communication, and that works really well for me.

I hope I can take this and go feel confident that it's okay to say things like "would you like a hug?", or "Can I kiss you?", or even "I'm feeling really nervious about this, but I like you, and think you're attractive, would you like to come back to my place and, uhm, make out, or something." (Well I know that's what I'd end up saying, if I even managed to get that far.)

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Comments {7}

Jane Tutor

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from: pixelpoet
date: Nov. 27th, 2003 09:54 am (UTC)
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what is s&m? poly?

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Nov. 27th, 2003 08:43 pm (UTC)
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S&M short for Sado Masochism. It's a highly structured form of sexuality marked by lots of props, power plays, and role playing. Practitioners are frequently pushing their personal limits for trust, communication, and pain.

(Though according to some people I know who are into S&M though once you're in the right mental state the floggings, piercings, brandings can be pleasurable. The theory is that if you start with something that feels pleasurable and then just add intensity it will eventually be something that would usually feel painful, but since one's body gets confused and reads at as just more intense pleasure.)

Poly is short for polyamory. It's people who believe that you can have multiple romantic relationships simultaneously.

S&M usually requires plenty of negotiation to work out exactly what all the involved parties wants out of the "scene". Poly frequently triggers peoples insecurities, and so usually require extra communication ot make people feel more secure.

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from: musicwomyn
date: Nov. 27th, 2003 10:11 am (UTC)
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>>I really should be sleeping now, but this insight was too interesting not to share. I've wondered why a good chunk of the people I dated came from either the S&M or poly communities. It seemed odd since I'm intimidated by even vanillia sex and am so not poly.<<

I am intimidated by vanilla sex, too, but that's why I do S/M sex. It seems safer because more communication is involved and boundaires are set.


I think communication is good in any scenerio and it is unfortunate that the lesbian community doesn't use much of it. I'm all for up front communication and asking for what you want. Go for it!

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Nov. 27th, 2003 08:44 pm (UTC)
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Yeah, it's just intimidating since it seems like few people are as orientated toward verbal communication as me.

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her other side

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from: saltbox
date: Nov. 27th, 2003 11:58 am (UTC)
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Hunh. That's not a bad theory. It also might explain why, even though I'm into S&M and have been poly (save for this current relationship), I never felt comfortable in the S&M/poly communities. Because while I like to write and I love to read and while I adore words, in sex and relationships I'm far more about action and gestures.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Nov. 27th, 2003 08:48 pm (UTC)
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in sex and relationships I'm far more about action and gestures.

I have to ask, how do you know what the other person wants? How do you negotiate?

I have a lot of trouble touching someone else without what I read as permission as I tend to feel like I'm trespassing.

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her other side

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from: saltbox
date: Nov. 27th, 2003 08:54 pm (UTC)
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You just kind of slowly ease into it. To put it most simply, if someone withdraws (like when you touch her or something), it's a no, or an I'm-not-ready-yet. There are, of course, many nuances. Part of it is just practice, and becoming familiar with different people's responses. Maybe it helps if you think of it as another language, but one that you can learn as well?

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