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Why do I bother

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Nov. 21st, 2003 | 01:42 am
mood: depresseddepressed

Desire leads to suffering.

I desire to be loved. This desire has brought me nothing but agony throughout my entire life. There is no outcome other than utter misery.

I want what I can never have.

I watched other women casually show interest in the cute activist with a confidence that I could never match. Although I think that she's impressed with my intelligence and knowledge, I doubt that she finds me attractive.

Nor do women ever act like they want my number.

She does worry about hurting people and the frustrating thing is that in some situations is that because of conflicting desires, someone will be hurt. It's not really anyones fault, it just happens.

Or perhaps I just give up too easily.

Whatever, I still feel rejected, lonely, and rather doubt there exists any woman who would be willing to put up with my insecurities and lack of confidence in my body. (Though they probably don't know why I'm only ever a friend and never someone's romance.)

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Comments {15}

[you'll find a light, find a friend, find a way]

(no subject)

from: artemii
date: Nov. 21st, 2003 06:26 am (UTC)
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i seriously doubt that in all the world there is not one woman that would want to date you :)

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Nov. 21st, 2003 09:27 am (UTC)
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Maybe if she was trapped somewhere where there were no alternatives. But when people see just the vaguest hint of my emotional scars they leave.

Most of my life has been spent trying to survive depression and as a result it's really hard for me to find joy in life. Not to mention I had a host of bad experiences when I first tried to experience a sexuality and so I'm now very closed.

Why would anyone choose to put up with that when there are people who can express happiness? Some lesbian magazine proposed that the answer to their rhetorical question that if some lesbian had the choice of being trapped on a deserted isle with a woman frequently whined and didn't like to be touched versus a kind, caring, compassionate guy was that she would choose the guy. I feel like I'm really close to that woman they described.

I live in a world of pure abstraction, love and attraction are too real, too based in the physical world for me to have any hope to participation.

The ever rational observer portion of myself did want to point out my tendency to catastrophize.

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[you'll find a light, find a friend, find a way]

(no subject)

from: artemii
date: Nov. 21st, 2003 11:29 am (UTC)
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Some lesbian magazine

gods, as if i didn't already have enough reasons to find lesbian mags somewhere between insipid and reinforcing of oppressive stereotypes.

couldn't it be that the people you've liked are at a bad place in their lives, living in their own denial about scars & unwilling to face someone else's, shallow, etc.? why do you assume the unlikely scenario -- that you are somehow defective, unlovable in a romantic way, unattractive, etc. -- rather than one of many other possibilities?

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Nov. 21st, 2003 02:49 pm (UTC)
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I do have a tendency to blame myself first for anything that goes wrong.

Also as I feel like I'm trying to use a relationship to let help with my feeling that I'm unlovable. However everything I've ever seen suggest that is doomed to failure. You need to care about yourself before anyone else is capable of doing that, or at least that's what I'm told.

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[you'll find a light, find a friend, find a way]

(no subject)

from: artemii
date: Nov. 22nd, 2003 01:26 pm (UTC)
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You need to care about yourself before anyone else is capable of doing that

well, i don't think this is exactly true. i think that relationships tend to have a higher success rate when both people in them have a foundation of liking themself at least part of the time. i think part of this is because that person tends to have more to rely on than just the relationship, y'know?

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Nov. 23rd, 2003 01:50 pm (UTC)
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So is their a corollation, the more they like themselves the more likely the relationship is to succeed.

Like I don't always dislike myself, occasionally I even feel good about myself.

I've occasionally thought that it's possible that being in a relationship could help jump-start some self confidence. Though I'm not sure if that's a good idea, and if so how it'd work.

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her other side

(no subject)

from: saltbox
date: Nov. 21st, 2003 07:38 am (UTC)
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What artemii said.

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Jane Tutor

(no subject)

from: pixelpoet
date: Nov. 21st, 2003 12:48 pm (UTC)
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Confidence. Pretend you have it. It works. Just make believe and pretend. Pretend you are not you for one day, you are the confident you. Just one day. See how it goes.

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her other side

oh, and wait a sec

from: saltbox
date: Nov. 21st, 2003 01:26 pm (UTC)
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When I met you in person you were in fact someone's romance! So stop saying never!

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Diane Trout

Re: oh, and wait a sec

from: alienghic
date: Nov. 21st, 2003 01:53 pm (UTC)
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For some reason I have some chance of being involved with poly people, although only as the mistress, not as the primary.

Or at least never since my last major girlfriend in 1998 which seemed to have been when my confidence really collapsed.

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her other side

Re: oh, and wait a sec

from: saltbox
date: Nov. 21st, 2003 02:19 pm (UTC)
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although only as the mistress, not as the primary.

But that's still a romance!!! SSSSTTTTIIILLLL AAAA RRRROOOMMMAAANCCCEEE! You two were even all giggly and cuddly!

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Diane Trout

Re: oh, and wait a sec

from: alienghic
date: Nov. 21st, 2003 02:31 pm (UTC)
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Depressed answer: yes, but that relationship died soon after. I want to say it's my fault, but in this case it's because of her mono girlfriend, and my respect for others situations. I don't push for my own interests if they conflict with someone elses, I usually assume that the other person has precedence.

Reasonable answer: ok, yes. There might be something that since I don't let myself fall as badly for poly people I don't put all my hopes and fears on them and so the relationship actually has a better chance of success.

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her other side

Re: oh, and wait a sec

from: saltbox
date: Nov. 21st, 2003 02:49 pm (UTC)
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So maybe you can draw from your approach to poly people (i.e., the approach where you don't get as worried, where you still stay a little detached) into your approach towards mono people?

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Clare T. Rampling

(no subject)

from: rampling
date: Nov. 21st, 2003 02:05 pm (UTC)
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Diane loves to say never. Usually I just give up, and don't say that such a word isn't appropriate, and even kinda rude to me. But once in a while, I pipe in. Oh well, all the positive and even partially positive experiences in her life have never counted.

--No one

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Nov. 21st, 2003 02:46 pm (UTC)
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It is true that I like to say never.

I suspect some of my current issues stem from how I reacted to my dating you. (Which is my responsibility for having these particular weaknesses).

One of the huge problems I have with relationships at this point is the fear that I won't be able to recover from being dumped. I am also convinced that I will want more emotional support than the other person can offer which will destroy the relationship.

I can be friends with someone because I try not to ask for much from friends. (Other than when severely depressed).

I guess this is why I'm convinced that I wont have a relationship in the future. Everything I've encountered suggests that if you can't use a relationship to fill in the emptiness of not loving yourself. Since I haven't been able to solve that problem I feel that I will always ruin whatever I touch.

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