?

Log in

No account? Create an account

what to do

« previous entry | next entry »
Nov. 1st, 2003 | 08:03 pm
mood: apprehensive

I'm trying to decide what to do tonight. I was thinking of going to the club where the most recent attractive woman might be going to in a vain hope of interacting with her.

At this point I'm rather doubt this is a good idea. Since my insecurities were just triggered, I think my most likely reaction to a club is to see all the people who I think are more attractive than me and those who look like they're some how flirting/involved with each other and will jump immediately to wanting to die.

That is not a good mental space to try and make a good impression, leading me to more reasons to abuse myself.

Though the critic in my head did want to point out that there is a remote chance that I could interact with her in a positive way that leaves me feeling hopeful.

And to clarify things a bit, some of my body-image issues are attached to me feeling that i'm not going to ever experience being loved.

The critic pointed out that since my experience with relationships has been rather limited it's not really clear that having someone who was living with me who cared would actually improve things.

Link | Leave a comment | Share

Comments {6}

Josh

(no subject)

from: irilyth
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 08:11 pm (UTC)
Link

Why do you connect your body and your lovability?

Many unattractive people are very lovable, and well-loved; many beautiful people are extremely odious, and widely reviled.

I don't see what the two have to do with each other. You might as well say "I'll never be loved because my name starts with D" or "I'll never be a good cook because I was born in October".

Why do you think these two features are at all related?

Reply | Thread

Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 09:06 pm (UTC)
Link

wow, sebab left a comment that really helped make things make sense.

I've spent most of my life hating my body for one reason or another. First gender issues, then surgery, then weight and that covers my life from 14 or 15 to now. Since I've spent basically my whole life hating my body I've never been able to learn how to express sexuality or flirt or other such things. Without those skills basically all I can manage to do is make friends.

Reply | Parent | Thread

Josh

(no subject)

from: irilyth
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 09:12 pm (UTC)
Link

Hmm: Do you think your body-self-hatred makes you unlovable, rather than your body itself?

Reply | Parent | Thread

Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 09:31 pm (UTC)
Link

Well I suspect at this point my history of hating my body is the larger component. But thinking I was lesbian at 16 was really confusing, and not conducive to feeling like i had a chance with dating.

Reply | Parent | Thread

velcrocat

(no subject)

from: velcrocat
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 09:38 pm (UTC)
Link

i'm the same way when i go to clubs. i am always checking out couples and lamenting about my singlehood. my issues get triggered. i feel bad about myself. i get depressed and want to go home.

Reply | Thread

Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 09:40 pm (UTC)
Link

If I'm in a good mental space I can get away with just focusing on dancing while studiously ignoring everyone else. I didn't think it would be a good idea to risk it today.

Reply | Parent | Thread