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slide into despair

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Nov. 1st, 2003 | 04:54 pm
mood: tormented

I decided to post the picture that made me feel vile, repulsive, monstrous, despicable, bloated and unlovable.



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Comments {26}

Melody

(no subject)

from: melodymuse
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 05:00 pm (UTC)
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I thought you looked really cute! I have a Live Journal question for you. It seems I am having issues seeing things in my friends list. Did my lastest post from the party last night show up on your friends list?

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 05:28 pm (UTC)
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I see, "that time of year again", followed by a post about party pictures, though the images didn't load.

Basically I hate and despise my body. The only good thing about it is that it doesn't cause me physical pain, althogh I've certainly suffered emotionally enough because of it.

I wish I was able to be tall and willowy which is utterly impossible. (It might be possible with nano-bot surgery or some type of consciousness transfer, but that's it).

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Melody

(no subject)

from: melodymuse
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 05:34 pm (UTC)
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For a long time I wanted to be 'tall and willowy' too but alas, I am 5'3 and very curvy. This is me, I have to work with what I got. You know, there were postive things about the party that you neglected to mention here in LJ land. For instance, Jessica, Mark's D&D friend really liked you and found you fun and interesting. I believe she even made an effort to find you before leaving, just to say good bye.

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 06:05 pm (UTC)
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Yes the party was good.

Unfortunately for me, my self hatred found an opening through my carefully constructed coping mechanisms and ambushed me.

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Life Rebooted

(no subject)

from: hopeforyou
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 05:04 pm (UTC)
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I haven't seen you in a while, but I generally remembered what you looked like. I'm surprised that you're dressing so femme these days...that's the first thing I noticed. The second thing I noticed was how beautiful your hair is. I envy it! It's a nice dress, too.

About the only thing that struck me as negative...well, two things, honestly: Even though you are smiling, there is a sadness in your eyes. It comes across as not-genuine-happy. That makes it awkward, in a way. I imagine a candid of you would work better in that respect. The second is that the photographer doesn't seem to know enough about proper lighting or didn't care...the shine on your face makes it look washed-out. That's not about you -- that's about the photographer. Anybody beneath his lens would suffer the same fate.

I don't see the vileness you see. What do you think is so repulsive about this photo? Is this one of me any better or worse? Just trying to hear you out and understand what it is about yourself you are judging.

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Melody

(no subject)

from: melodymuse
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 05:18 pm (UTC)
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I took this picture and like most 'party photos' it was meant to be a natural moment unspoiled by pretense and posture.

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 05:30 pm (UTC)
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Lighting is hard. Especially in a a darkend room, and the flashes built into most digital cameras suck.

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Melody

(no subject)

from: melodymuse
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 05:38 pm (UTC)
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Very true. The camera in my phone is even worse!

So, do you only see a red x on my journal entry followed by a link to the party photos? I have been having issues with LJ all day!

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 06:01 pm (UTC)
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Actually I found those links by browsing your journal directly, it doesn't seem like your on my friends page.

However the image issue is I've had trouble browsing the hpphoto site. The only browser that worked for me was mozilla. All the other ones would loose the password information quite quickly. (Though perhaps it was because I'm not accepting cookies from remote sites.)

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Life Rebooted

(no subject)

from: hopeforyou
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 05:31 pm (UTC)
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Sorry. To me it looked like a deliberate pose, rather than catching one in the act...that is what I assumed.

Party photos usually don't have optimal lighting. It wasn't meant to be a diss on your skills but that under other circumstances (like a professional portrait studio) one may find they like the lighting and end results better.

I've done some self-portraits and have found without fail that certain poses made me look horrible from some angles (in my opinion) and good from others. One trick I was taught was to pose with my chin pointing outward somewhat, so as to cast a shadow under the chin when a flash is used to avoid the appearance of a double-chin. Even the thinnest person I know has had double-chins show up on film that in reality they didn't have because of the way the photo was shot. This is just something I do for me to get better photos of me...otherwise I am uncomfortable with the results.

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Melody

(no subject)

from: melodymuse
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 05:35 pm (UTC)
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I use that trick as well! I have very chubby cheeks so, it helps. :)

*The lighting WAS very bad and it was I am not an expert photographer by any means... Diane looked lovely.

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 05:58 pm (UTC)
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The critical things I would focus on in your photo was that you're somewhat overweight. Though you also look less happy than the woman on the right.

I tend to focus on my size, weight and what I think is a masculine figure as what I hate about myself.

To be honest I became depressed after seeing that picture for less than a second.

I've been trying to dress a bit better as I'm lonely and would like to form a relationship with someone, however since I project to the world is that I don't like myself that's not going to happen. So I've been trying to act as if I could care about my appearance by doing things such as wearing clothes that fit.

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Jen

(no subject)

from: jadine
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 05:39 pm (UTC)
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No, it's not a gorgeous picture of you. Your expression's not very natural, and it looks like you're squinting slightly at the flash. (The rest of the picture is fine- you look great in that dress. And your hair is amazing.) But you know what? We all have sucky pictures of us. Personally, I hate about 90% of all photos taken of me. (There are currently about three that I willingly release publically, out of the past seven years. Two are LJ icons.)

But this picture (if the link doesn't work, it's number 12 in melodymuse's album) is terrific. You look really damn cute.

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 09:26 pm (UTC)
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But this picture is terrific.

Thanks... (bashful look)

They even missed the part where I was balancing my dring on my head. (That's why my hand is up there...)

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Xen Cat

(no subject)

from: xencat
date: Nov. 2nd, 2003 02:53 am (UTC)
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You look great in the photo you posted, but nervousness (or at least that is what it looks like) seemed to have caught you a little.

But the #12 photo is a much better one.

I know how you feel about seeing photos like that. There's plenty of photo's I feel like that about. I know for many years I would never look at myself in a mirror, just at the parts I was concentrating on, or if I had too look at my whole body then I would disassociate myself as much as possible before looking. The pain was too much.

Now I care less about it. I decided not to worry quite so much (not that it doesn't get cripplingly bad at times). As for confidence, I can act well enough, though I have the problem of it going all to pieces when I try to engage someone I take an interest in! 8-)

I don't think I've got any advice other than deciding you are okay as you is fine. When you've accepted that it's much easier. Doesn't mean you don't want to improve, just remember the vector is more important than the position. I'm doing jujitsu and *trying* to watch what I eat to improve my health and body. Doesn't stop me being overweight now, but my vector is better than when I moped and didn't try to stop eating crap.

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(no subject)

from: poetrybuff_79
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 05:50 pm (UTC)
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Geez, you sound like me :) You look great!

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 06:02 pm (UTC)
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I also remind myself of the movie girl, interrupted. One of the characters was an anorexic complaining that 80 pounds was a perfectly reasonable weight.

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Usqueba

(no subject)

from: usqueba
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 07:35 pm (UTC)
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TSK! ::NUDGE:: That's a way cute picture! I, the Great and Powerful OZ, have spoken (Ok, my mom is really the G&P Oz, but that's another story). Cute dress, too. Your hair's longer than I've seen it. I guess that's how long it's been. I can't see the pendant well, but from what I can see, it's cute too.

You're not green and you have two few heads to be monstrous. And ALL girls are bloated at one time or another; it comes with the hormones.

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 09:11 pm (UTC)
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<silly>My eyes are greenish and I'm hiding my extra head under my hair.</silly>

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Stephanie Wukovitz

(no subject)

from: sebab
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 08:23 pm (UTC)
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like Hope, I think it's quite an attractive photo aside from the less than ideal lighting conditions, which, as someone else (sorry, I'm not looking at that page anymore) aren't all that important in a "live and having fun" party kind of shot like this.

the self-esteem thing is incredibly difficult, though. my therapist recently told me that women who were overweight during their teenage years tend not to learn social skills like flirting, the give and take of being in a conversation, etc. even if they lose weight later on, they often don't catch up on the skills everyone else seems to have learned... even years after the weight loss. in fact, they often gain the weight back because they just can't handle the situation. this explained a lot of what I feel when I'm interacting with other people, even though I lose a lot of the weight around age 22 and the rest by the time I was 25... my gut feeling is still that I'm fat and unattractive (not that fat = unattractive necessarily, but it was true for me... I don't carry extra weight well)

even though I've come to accept intellectually that some people find me attractive, I still don't get it on a gut level, and may never get it completely. there's the gut feeling that people can't possibly want me as a part of their social group or conversation... no clue how to flirt or be playful or subtle with my sexuality... etc.

I'm wondering whether something analogous is going on for you. in my opinion your look has changed for the drastically more attractive in the past two years (not only looking a lot more femme, a look I happen to prefer for most women, but just the general sense that you care more about yourself and your appearance). so you may be getting many more positive reactions than you realize, you may simply be missing or misinterpreting them

the other thing that sucks here, and I'm sure others have already mentioned it, is that low self-esteem is in itself unattractive to many people. so even though you present an abundantly aesthetic appearance, you may be shooting yourself in the foot through your body language.

sometimes I try a little acting exercise to combat my own problems along these lines, and sometimes I even manage to pull it off. the idea is to pretend that you're exactly the person you wish you were -- confident, popular, attractive, whatever -- you are an actress playing that role for the evening and can't possibly feel stupid about it because everyone present is in the play too, whether or not they realize it.

this doesn't always work, but sometimes it does -- more likely to work when I'm in a group of people who tend to be accepting of many different types of folks (if people really are snubbing you for whatever reason, it could be more difficult).

of course, sometimes I don't manage to pull it off and then go home feeling terrible about myself, but the more successful social events I live through, the better I tend to feel about myself... a case bootstrapping, maybe.

finally, it makes me mad to see you smacking yourself around so often. even though it's been ages since I've seen you, and haven't even seen you many times (what, twice?) you made a really positive impression on me, and I still remember that you were the last person to stay behind after my party to help clean up, entertaining me with interesting conversation. it was the first (and most recent) party I'd ever given, and I was still half numb and rather shaky afterwards, and was glad to have your companionship as part of the cooling down process. I think that the nature of a person's actions impacts her attractiveness hugely, even if you didn't already have a lot of purely physical traits going for you.

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 10:52 pm (UTC)
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Wow....

Thank you. That was one of the kindest posts I've ever gotten.

It even helped me feel better too.

I've spent a good chunk of my life not being really ready to deal with sexuality, starting with my gender issues, and then weight issues. My body is probably in the best condition it's ever been for me to have a good chance of being comfortable with someone. However it will take time to recover from all those years of feeling uncomfortable with myself.

I know that I act like I don't like my body, for instance I have trouble shopping for clothes as I when I look in the mirror I see myself through my history and have trouble objective evaluating the clothes before I start getting overwhelmed.

As a result I've turning to friends like secretslip for help with taking better care of myself and finding clothes that looke better on me. Even though I don't necessarily feel like I deserve such things I'm going ahead and trying to pretend.

Part of dressing up for halloween was to push my limits in what clothing I was willing to wear, I was trying to pretend like I was confident and could wear cute short dresses.

I too have trouble believing that someone would actually want to spend more time with me. I once told secretslip how I felt like I wasn't sufficiently interesting to hold peoples attention. In response she asked me how I could doubt being interesting as it was what I was best at.

While I was at the party I was mostly managing to interact with people. I even chatted with the group of cute hedonistic bi/queer/sexual people. I usually find people like that rather intimidating, so I thought I managed well. It was just the next day where my picture triggered all of the insecurities I'd been hiding from.

For me it can be tough to understand how can people be so comfortable with experiencing pleasure through their bodies. In my experience bodies bring angst, not pleasure...

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secretslip

(no subject)

from: secretslip
date: Nov. 2nd, 2003 01:50 pm (UTC)
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I don't think your picture is as bad as you say it is. It does look very "early 90s" though. That's only important if you want to look trendy. Oh, and you don't have to wear short dresses to be pretty. I don't usually wear short dresses.

Actually, I thought you looked really pretty on Friday, when you were wearing jeans and the purple longsleeved shirt.

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Nov. 2nd, 2003 02:13 pm (UTC)
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That dress probably was from the early 90s.

I really have no idea what the objective quality of the picture is, it's much more that my pathetic opinion of myself got triggered.

It's increadibly hard for me to feel like I look pretty.

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secretslip

(no subject)

from: secretslip
date: Nov. 2nd, 2003 02:17 pm (UTC)
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I can offer you some more beauty tips on Monday.

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The Goddess (Obey The Mother Goddess)

(no subject)

from: alejandromagno
date: Nov. 1st, 2003 11:17 pm (UTC)
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You are GORGEOUS!! Wow! The Woman in a Red Dress!! Rowrr...;-)

Girl, you have great hair, a great bod, a beautiful face, and a beautiful spirit. I want to have your baby.

Alexander the Lovelorn...

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Nov. 2nd, 2003 01:06 am (UTC)
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Diane knocks out the part that wants to argue about those claims, and instead says "Thank you".

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