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Jul. 17th, 2001 | 07:49 pm
mood: woe is me

It's not frigging fair.

A friend mentioned their success in improving their abilities at dealing with dating and all its related horrors because of getting glasses and that it allowed better observation of others non-verbal cues.

I reacted poorly. First I wrote a rabid response describing why glasses would not help me deal with the long list of issues I have. Then I got depressed. Then there was some more depression. And after dinner another round of depression, self-hate, frustration, suicidal fixation and other run of my mill unpleasantness.

It's not fair that the slightest wrong comment about love and relationships, and I start fantasizing about introducing the blue lines in my wrist to sharp pointy things.

I think the despair comes from my hopelessness about me ever having a successful loving relationship that doesn't involve an emotional betrayal. Needless to say collapsing into a fetal position whenever someone even mentions this in front of me is an excellent method of crushing any potential interest they might've had.

To build a really good psychological trap really requires something of the pattern.

If x, then y and if y then x.

Getting really stuck needs the feedback loop.

Hmm... and once again writing in my journal about it in a nice dispassionate way really does help at putting my emotions back in the proper little box.

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Comments {7}

Stephanie Wukovitz

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from: sebab
date: Jul. 17th, 2001 11:00 pm (UTC)
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I think you're right that if you want your outlook to change, you have to wear some new paths through your head by repeating certain things over and over again, to yourself.

when you speak of putitng emotions 'back in the box', though, do you mean that you're clearing them out of the way in order to function while you need to, or hoping to avoid dealing with them at ANY point in the future? sometimes catharsis is inconvenient, but in the long run it's eventually a good idea, or at least it is for me. if I keep things buried for too long, they begin to fester.

on the other hand, there does come a point, sometimes, when I have indeed beaten the horse to death, and trying to push it all down and move on is best. there's a subtle difference between that sort of situation and one in which I need to grapple with the horse a bit longer... with time I've learned to differentiate between the two kinds of situations.

hope that makes sense, and/or that it helps.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Jul. 18th, 2001 12:57 am (UTC)
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I'm at a loss of what to do.

Being reminded of the idea of love relationships tends to push me back into severe & possibly self-destructive depression. But as I've gotten older, it's taken less and less to trigger me.

So I try ever harder to concentrate on other things, like environmental issues, games, philosophy, anything that keeps me in the world of rationality and far from the despair that I feel when I think about what passes for emotional connections with others.

I'm wishing I could go be a hermit striving for philosophical enlightment by distancing myself from the desires of the flesh. I think the best thing about a vow of celibacy for me would be that you make such things in a cultural framework that is supportive of people who chose such vows..

How do you face a problem that when you can't find any weakness in it? When the slightest memory of it leaves one running the risk of a variety of self-destructive behaviors.

Most of my physical life friends are sick of my whining about this, they don't understand why romantic relationships and sexuality are so dangerous for me.

Though, for example, one of my friends who is most sick of of my whining, spent time doing still photography for gay male porn. So there is a large distance between us on these subjects.

I've tried pondering my problems, talking about them with people, and all that's happend is I've dug the mental ruts further into my brain, made the descent into madness faster.

I really don't know what I can do to escape.

I guess in some ways what I'm doing now by focusing on things that I care about that are completely divorced from moping about what's wrong with my life is a positive way of attempting to deal with my tendency toward despair. I'm slowly building coping mechanisms through these other portions of my life. So now when I collapse instead of being suicidally depressed for days to weeks, now it's hours to days.

At least it is an improvement.

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Freya

Love

from: moonglade
date: Jul. 18th, 2001 11:47 am (UTC)
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Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear you feeling so bad.

It kind of annoys me when people arrogantly give you their feelings on how you can solve your problems without understanding anything about your problems!

OTOH It can be kind of funny too.
I sometimes find myself giggling away to myself at some of the crazy things people say to me.

...and I think "buying a pair of new glasses will solve all your problems" is quite a funny one to be honest! :)

I recently had someone suggest that I needed to not feel sorry for myself and it would help with my problems at work! This one is quite a *giggle*. I mean if I decided to start feeling sorry for myself I'm sure I wouldn't have any time for anything else! ;) Actually I think I have more of a problem with Biterness and Anger from work. I really don't like it. I'd rather walk away from the nastyness.

Anyway I'm drifting away somewhere again!

You talk about romantic relationships and sexuality, and I wondered if you had tried having just a romantic relationship without any sexual side to it, and if that might be easier? (hard to find tho!)

From the way you are talking it sounds like it might not be, because you say you feel really bad about the emotional sides of things too? Or at least the fear of being hurt again?

Well I expect you've talked about it with people lots and I don't know you at all, so I can't really say anything to help, and I'm preety clueless on these subjects as I've never had much in the way of relationships.

All I can do is send a big hug (*hug*) and hope that things get better and you find some kind of magic inside you that will help you.

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Diane Trout

Re: Love

from: alienghic
date: Jul. 19th, 2001 11:34 pm (UTC)
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> I mean if I decided to start feeling sorry for myself I'm sure I wouldn't have any time for anything else! ;)

Yes. I can say with confidence that depression can fill large chunks of time quite easily. It's kind of impressive how much time can be wasted on feeling bad and replaying it over and over in ones head.

> Or at least the fear of being hurt again?

Oh yeah... that.

The story goes like this. Most of my life I had trouble with realtionships and feeling a sense of connection with others. I can't really remember a time that I felt close to my family.

So eventually I meet this girl and fall really hard for her, and since this is one of the few times I've felt close, I ended up opening myself up completely; desperatly trying to be accepted for who I was. Needless to say she got scared and ran away, and then I spent the next year and half pining.

I try dating a couple of guys, and never feel that close to them.

Then I meet another girl, fall really hard, desperatly want emotional support from her as I'm about to go through surgery. She feels trapped and breaks up with me. So I waste another year and half pining.

Both of those relationships were about 3 months long.

I am really scared of being open to anyone. I think at this point I'll occasionally feel the sense of interest for someone, and then it will disappear after a few more meetings. I'm not sure completely why, but inevitably the emotional attraction I feel vanishes.

It's probably either a rather low sense of self-worth and/or a deep seated fear that any relationship I care enough about will end up scaring me.

Though thank you for your kind words, I was glad to find them in my mailbox.

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Freya

Re: Love

from: moonglade
date: Jul. 20th, 2001 11:40 am (UTC)
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Yes. I can say with confidence that depression can fill large chunks of time quite easily. It's kind of impressive how much time can be wasted on feeling bad and replaying it over and over in ones head.

When I was younger I used to spend a lot of time hiding under the duvet, but I've been feeling preety good lately. In fact the one thing that stops me from being happy at the moment, is usually my job, so I'm going to do something about that!
Both of those relationships were about 3 months long.

erm, I assume you mean 3 years ago?

It's probably either a rather low sense of self-worth and/or a deep seated fear that any relationship I care enough about will end up scaring me.


scaring you or scarring you? I'm not sure you should be scared...Not that you should be scarred either, but you know what I mean...

Maybe it's just that you are special and so don't have so much in common with a lot of the people you meet. So as you get to know them you find that you can't relate to them or something. I bet it's a lot easier to find people to be involved with for people who are, erm, more everyday or something.

I like to think that all the special people in the world will find other special people someday. It seems to me, like they can't help but stumble upon one another sooner or later, because the special people stand out and shine brighter and so are easier to see and will find one another. :)

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Diane Trout

Re: Love

from: alienghic
date: Jul. 20th, 2001 12:54 pm (UTC)
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I've been feeling preety good lately

Yea! More people should get to feel like that. :)

erm, I assume you mean 3 years ago?

The history is
(Going full time.)
About a year of wanding around confused and getting dating a few guys.
0.25 years of relationship
1.5 years of pining.
0.25 years of relationship
(Surgery)
1.5 years of pining (again)
1.5 years of trying to get over being so maudlin about it.
(Now)

scaring you or scarring you?

Oops, my spelling, not one of the things I'm best at, can get even more confused when answering email late at night. I'd meant scarring me. What happened is after breaking up I obsessed about it for a long time and further convinced myself of the inherent hopelessness of trying to date, ergo deepening my scars over the ideas of love.

the special people stand out and shine brighter and so are easier to see and will find one another. :)

Okay... I can't resist, Awww, that's a really sweet and hopefully thought. *Big grin*

Hmm... Now if I can just train myself to obesses about the good stuff instead of what's wrong in the world.

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Stephanie Wukovitz

Re:

from: sebab
date: Jul. 27th, 2001 07:25 am (UTC)
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that *is* an improvement, yes.

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