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why this time

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Oct. 3rd, 2003 | 01:24 pm
mood: depresseddepressed

Feeling depressed and I'm not really sure why. I did go to a bar with a friend where she attempted to get me to look at attractive women, and when we got back to her place her girlfriend was there. Though I didn't feel that depressed then. Perhaps I had just repressed feeling anything then.

Perhaps it's feeling bad for being a lazy bum and not playing frisbee, perhaps it's that I'm behind in my work, perhaps it's because it's overcast (though that usually makes my happier).

whatever it is, it's hard to stop thinking about the sharp knife on the bike tool in my satchel.

I'm beginning to think it's time to look into medication, I'm tired of this never ending depression.

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Comments {17}

Bolowolf

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from: bolowolf
date: Oct. 3rd, 2003 01:32 pm (UTC)
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Is it just depression?

I have been in and out of therapy for over a decade. When I fessed up and was honest with myself/partner/therapist, it became clear there was something else at work. I have a new diagnosis and I think that will help with the type of treatment I get.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Oct. 3rd, 2003 02:17 pm (UTC)
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I too have been in and out of therapy for nearly a decade, I've been on anti-depressants a couple of times as well.

Mostly my issues are I have trouble feeling like people care about me, I feel that i'm not loveable, that i'm not "good" enough, not to mention a good chunk of hoplessness.

I was observing how it seems rather unfortunate that my reaction to a woman I think is attractive is severe depression.

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cat

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from: neko_san
date: Oct. 3rd, 2003 02:43 pm (UTC)
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it's best to inquire about medication *before* you pick up the sharp knife.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Oct. 3rd, 2003 02:50 pm (UTC)
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I haven't actually physically touched the knife. My next therapy session is on tuesday.

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cat

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from: neko_san
date: Oct. 3rd, 2003 02:55 pm (UTC)
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excellent.

be good to yourself.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Oct. 3rd, 2003 04:17 pm (UTC)
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what does one do to be good to oneself?

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cat

(no subject)

from: neko_san
date: Oct. 3rd, 2003 04:41 pm (UTC)
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ummm....

* take a bubble bath
* listen to music you like
* watch a light and fluffy movie
* when you catch yourself saying to yourself "i'm a ugly pitiful loser whom nobody will ever love," forcefully respond with "no, i'm not."
* read a good book
* go for a walk in the forest, away from civilization. (well, somewhere where you can walk for an hour or two and then not hear cars as much anymore.)
* go out to dinner with a friend
* take a long walk along the beach in the middle of the night

stuff like that...

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cat

(no subject)

from: neko_san
date: Oct. 3rd, 2003 04:47 pm (UTC)
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what does one do to be good to oneself?

imagine the person who you've been the most completely smitten for in your entire life, and how you felt towards them during the very height of your infatuation.

treat yourself the way that you'd like to have treated them.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Oct. 8th, 2003 01:16 am (UTC)
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I thought about trying to follow that advice but found the thought of me following myself around somewhat funny. (There's that diane, chasing her own tail. )

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[you'll find a light, find a friend, find a way]

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from: artemii
date: Oct. 3rd, 2003 02:50 pm (UTC)
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have you started a garden as you'd hoped?
what coping skills do you feel you have in place right now? what ones would you most like to develop?

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Oct. 3rd, 2003 04:17 pm (UTC)
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Mostly my coping mechanism is to go talk to a friend.

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[you'll find a light, find a friend, find a way]

(no subject)

from: artemii
date: Oct. 4th, 2003 03:41 am (UTC)
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well, what do you do when no one is available?

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Oct. 5th, 2003 09:53 pm (UTC)
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Whine on LJ? Sleep. Hunt for chocholate.

Though perhaps things aren't as bad as I keep thinking, as when I first thought about the question what if no one is available? The idea that such a thing might happen seemed pretty unlikely. If I really really needed someone and could get past my nervousness about interrupting people I'm pretty sure I could find someone whose probably even awake. (Thanks to friends with odd hours and multiple time zones).

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[you'll find a light, find a friend, find a way]

(no subject)

from: artemii
date: Oct. 6th, 2003 09:04 am (UTC)
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hmm. well, i am a very self-sufficient and independent person so i can't begin to understand what that would be like.

but that part aside, i absolutely positively think it is best for peopple to have other coping skills besides other people. depending on any one thing to keep oneself from self-harm (literal or metaphorical) is not, in my opinion, the best - if that one thing should ever fail, for any reason (if someone is not around, or if you can't get what you need from that person, or if that person isn't in the mood to help, or whatever), then there's nothing else standing inbetween. :shrug:

the more tricks in one's basket, imho, the better the person is equipped to deal with the crap life throws at everyone.

regardless, i hope you are feeling much better emotionally by now, since it's been a while since your original post.

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(no subject)

from: musicwomyn
date: Oct. 4th, 2003 01:02 am (UTC)
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What kind of therapy have you done in the past? Sometimes different techniques don't always work. Knowing what I know about you, cognitive behavioral seems like it would work for you. If meds have helped in the past, definitely look into that.

As for the knife stuff...well, I hope you choose not to use that.

You know I have a history with that and I really am not trying to corrupt here, but joining the leather community has done wonders for my self esteem and for my masochistic tendancies.

And it doesn't have to be sexual either. BDSM is this great therapeutic tool for overcoming so many issues. Therapy did wonders for me on so many levels, but there were certain things it couldn't help with that BDSM did. I'd be more than willing to discuss this more with you, if you like?

If not, I am also here as a support if you need it. I hope you find what you need to help you feel better. And know, that I do care about you a lot.

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Oct. 6th, 2003 01:26 am (UTC)
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I'm feeling better now.

I've got a big block at allowing myself to experience pleasure, especially sexually related.

A recent theory on why I have trouble with that, in addition to bad relationships and repressed parents, is I'm feeling repressed by my understanding of the anti-trans-woman lesbian sepratist feminist. The idea being that since one of the bad things about "men" is them pressuring "women" to have sex, I decided to never ever pressure anyone.

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(no subject)

from: musicwomyn
date: Oct. 6th, 2003 12:52 pm (UTC)
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The pressuring thing may be true, but you are not a man. I think the pressuring thing only applies to those who identify as heterosexual men AND who are...dicks (for lack of a better word). I try not to be heterophobic, but I have seen so many men think only with their dicks. I somehow don't think this will be a problem for you :) And you don't want to be hanging out with or dating any anti-trans-woman lesbian seperatist anyway. They are very closed minded

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