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ugliness

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Sep. 5th, 2003 | 03:51 pm

This morning I awoke and had a new thought about my low self-esteem. Some part of my mind decided that I might not be able to continue justifying the claim of being "ugly", but my mind being spiteful and not willing to surrender its beliefs came up with an alternative. I'm not sexually attractive to people.

It serves the same purpose of explaining why no one loves me(*), and as an added bonus, I have actually experienced some support for new theory. I suspect that since I've been uncomfortable with both my body and with sexuality I wouldn't be able to directly describe why no one one wants to have a romantic relationship with me (where romance means friendship+sex) I suspect I said that I'm ugly as a shorthand for not like myself and not being able to face up to having a sexuality.

It also occurred to me that one of my fears might stem that every time I became passionate about something and started to like that thing, it was destroyed. When I was young, me liking a TV show was the kiss of death for it. After I started feeling close to a friend, we would move. Later if I actually cared about a romance with someone, it died.

I do have to acknowledge that there have been guys who tried to date me who I brushed off. But being involved with someone just because they want isn't a route to personal fulfillment.

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Comments {4}

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Sep. 6th, 2003 12:09 am (UTC)
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Ironic, isn't it? You're in the position that you've put other people into, right?

Yes, I recently noted that irony, and have been trying to stop making a pest of myself.

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Jane Tutor

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from: pixelpoet
date: Sep. 5th, 2003 06:40 pm (UTC)
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From your previous post, you are focusing on relationships a lot and sexual relationships, past experiences and such. Why are you focusing on it so much? Is it really that big of a deal to you?

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Sep. 5th, 2003 07:44 pm (UTC)
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probably boils down to I trying to figure out how to feel loved. I want nothing to do with my family, so the second most common route to an experience through love is romantic relationships. I don't have much experience with them and so I keep trying to figure out what they are.

Yes people have told me external sources can't help you, it can only come from within, but that's hard.

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Usqueba

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from: usqueba
date: Sep. 5th, 2003 08:24 pm (UTC)
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When I was young, me liking a TV show was the kiss of death for it.

I'll send you all my favorite TV shows and you can HATE them, ok ::G:: ? For me, it's food. There will be entres, burgers, chips that I really like. Soon, they're gone.

After I started feeling close to a friend, we would move.

For me, it's the friend who moves. I/we get close and they move.

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