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Sep. 1st, 2003 | 09:32 pm

It's really frustrating, I seem to have this sense of being ugly and unlovable burned into my mind. The two seemed to be linked as i seem to asume that a being that is undesirable is also ugly as they are one and the same thing.

I've tried therapy, I've tried dressing up, I've tried losing weight, and yet I continue to believe that I repulse people with slightly more intensity than I believe that other people exist.

The only thing that helps deal with the depression caused by this belief is to distracting myself with intellectual pursuits.

I've thought that perhaps if I had a relationship with someone who actually thought I was attractive, perhaps I might seem myself with their eyes instead of my own. Of course I seem most attracted people who will never be able to return my affection.

It's all rather pathetic and I should go write some code instead.

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Comments {8}

velcrocat

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from: velcrocat
date: Sep. 1st, 2003 09:48 pm (UTC)
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I feel the *exact* same way. When somebody is actually attracted to me, I totally question it and find some way to discredit them. If they find me attractive, there must be something wrong with them, therefore, I am not attracted back.

Negative self-esteem is a bitch!

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Sep. 1st, 2003 10:01 pm (UTC)
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I've had friends try and argue with me in a rather similar vein. They'll claim that they think that I'm attractive, and that me contradicting them is equivalent to me saying they're lying.

Around that point I start blocking the conversation from my memory.

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Dieppe

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from: dieppe
date: Sep. 1st, 2003 10:02 pm (UTC)
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Take it from me... Just because one is in a relationship with someone who loves them and thinks they are attractive doesn't necessarily mean that you'll believe them when they tell you that you are cute or attractive, and you don't feel otherwise.

It just means that instead of you moping about thinking "I'm so damn ugly" you get to mope about thinking "I'm so damn ugly, but one person is delusional enough to think that I'm not but the other 6 billion people on the planet would still find me ugly."


So... The moral of this story is: You need to find your own beauty within yourself, you can not rely on an external person to help overcome a low self esteem but you have to figure out a way to conquer it on your own.

(Because if that person leaves you are back to where you were to begin with... and dammit, D, for all that years that *I* have known you and told you that you were cute, or attractive---to me... and that still hasn't affected you, then I'm not sure being in a relationship with someone would, would it? :) )

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Sep. 1st, 2003 10:11 pm (UTC)
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Well there was the theory that having sex with someone who found me attractive might teach me that my body could be a source of pleasure instead of an unbearable weight that I must somehow drag after me.

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Josh

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from: irilyth
date: Sep. 2nd, 2003 06:43 am (UTC)
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To echo Dieppe's comments, though, the problem with using sex as a source of "my body can be fun" is that if your partner leaves, you're out of luck. For that matter, you're dependent on the partner in a lot of ways even before they leave, e.g. if they don't enjoy having sex one night, does that make you feel awful about your body? Anything that depends on a partner is fundamentally less reliable than something you do yourself -- not worse, just more uncertain. Your partner might not want to have sex for reasons that have nothing to do with you and your body, but if you set up "sex with partner == my body is ok", that doesn't mean you have a good self-image.

What about other physical pursuits? Exercise, dancing, singing, other things you can do with your body that don't necessarily require a partner (or that you can do with whoever's around)...

(I guess sex counts for some people. (grin) But that's actually something to think about too: Is your body (or can it be) a source of sexual pleasure for you yourself? More generally, are you looking for ways for your body to be a source of your pleasure, or someone else's?)

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Dieppe

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from: dieppe
date: Sep. 2nd, 2003 11:36 am (UTC)
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Something like that, but don't you really mean that "having sex with someone who you found attractive"...? :)

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Sep. 2nd, 2003 11:45 am (UTC)
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What I really want is symmetry--the attraction ideally would go both ways.

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Dieppe

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from: dieppe
date: Sep. 2nd, 2003 12:21 pm (UTC)
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Ideally yeah... There is nothing that sucks worse in this world than being attracted to someone who doesn't feel the same way you do. It really helps compound those feelings of, well you know. :)

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