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Jul. 7th, 2001 | 11:21 pm

Last thursday I went had dinner with some people from SoCal Poly. I'd run into one of their members wednesday at a party through a completely unrelated set of friends and she mentioned that they were going to have dinner at a restaurant on my way home.

I thought "oh what could happen for showing up and visiting some people."

I forgot my biggest current psychological scar



You see, being reminded of the existence of sex, sexuality, dating, relationships or other such things depresses me.--usually for several days. And a group dedicated to the ideas of polyamoury is going to have people who like sex & sexualtiy and far worse like to talk about it.

Most of the time I concentrate on happy things like the environmental crisis, and as I'm passionate enough about that I can forget my nightmares.

Growing up in a fundamentalist church with parents who never showed anything but hostility toward each other, is going to produce someone who has problems with relationships & sexuality.

Throwing in the added misery of being trans and the corresponding deep hatred of ones nether regions that frequently creates it becomes understandable why I've got problems. But wait, then there's the extra frustration that I ended up mostly lesbian.

My attempts at dating have been horribly confused by my lack of understanding about what a relationship is and what sexuality has to do with it. So I tried stuff and ended up with even more scars. Being a pre-op transwoman, attempting to wrap ones head around the ideas of sex while ones body is doing things that one finds revolting is not easy.

So I'm stuck with the memory that every time I've tried to do anything sexualwith another person I've ended up crying from the emotional turmoil.

As I write this I can tell that I still have no idea how sex and romantic love are actually connected. In this area. I still feel like I'm 13.

One the things I find completely incomprehensible is why people will stay in relationships just for the sex. At it's best, I can't see it as being any more pleasurable than a good piece of cheesecake, and in my imagination I'm assuming it's typically about equal to a nice walk.

I'm scared that there's no one willing to have a romantic relationship with an environmentalist geek mostly lesbian transwoman whose nearly 30 and still frightened of and completely inexperienced with sex.

It all comes down to being afraid of being unloveable and I'm afraid that there's this strange sex thing that's important to people and some how required by relationships. My body has undergone enough physical and chemical changes, that I'm afraid that I'm not capable of participating in this hard to imagine adult thing.

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Comments {5}

narcissus-alicious

damn

from: nalicious
date: Jul. 7th, 2001 11:36 pm (UTC)
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..you sound like me a few years ago girl. I was at the point where I could imagine myself being married... if he lived down the hall from me and didn't ever touch me. Granted, you ahve more cause for issues in this area, and I recognize that things are rough for you. But as a "straight" woman who fell completely in love with a pre-op transman, and saw him mostly nekkid, and found him very attractive while completely seeing him as the man he is, I have to say that there is hope. You are fishing a smaller pond than perhaps many poly/pan/etc sexuals might, but I refuse to believe there are no fish waiting for you. Though, I would rather believe that you found a hot woman than a fish to spend time with... fish are nice and all, but cats tend to find them a tasty snack....

*hugs* *lots of hugs*

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Diane Trout

Re: damn

from: alienghic
date: Jul. 8th, 2001 12:51 am (UTC)
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With a last name like trout, sometimes I feel too much of a connection with fish, perhaps that's why my cats frequently end up trying to push me around.

Thanks for the hugs. Now if only I could find some hope within me.

I think one of the other problems is since the break ups from my last relationships hurt so badly I'm really scared of trying. Except I want to, Except I'm too scared, Except...

You can see where that's going.

other thoughts might've gone here, but must go home and go to sleep.

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Diane Trout

Re: damn

from: alienghic
date: Jul. 8th, 2001 01:37 am (UTC)
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A good brisk walk is good for the mind.

You know, you've got a good point there pointing out that you fell in love with someone trans. It can happen. I need to remember that.

Thank you.

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narcissus-alicious

not as crazy as some

from: nalicious
date: Jul. 9th, 2001 07:10 pm (UTC)
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one of my friends, the one I call "myself" chose the name goldfeesh for herself... I am sure that somewhere out there is a non-fishy person who'll find you eventually.

In the meantime, walks are great aren't they? Did the full moon look as spiffy out on the West coast as it did here? it was sooooooo nice.

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Diane Trout

Re: not as crazy as some

from: alienghic
date: Jul. 10th, 2001 12:20 am (UTC)
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Ah one of the things I like best about walks at night is they're so much more comfortable than during the hot days. It's nice, cool, relaxing, and quieter.

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