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Yesterday

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Aug. 13th, 2003 | 09:59 am

Yesterday afternoon was good. I had a nice lunch with secretslip and we talked about encouraging each other to take the GRE. We even picked up a study guide.

Yesterday evening was unpleasant. It started with a friend who was unhappy with me because I went off and watched part of anime series that she really liked and wanted to show to a the group when the it all came out at the end of the year.

Her tendency to be unhappy with me when I don't do what she wants is annoying but can be dealt with. The other thing she does is explain behaviors of mine that she doesn't like by questioning my gender identity. She thinks she can explains that I didn't understand that her desire to have a showing was binding in terms of my gender history. This is utterly unacceptable and I need to find some time to explain to her how hurtful that behavor is. (And though she tends to ignore it her gender identity is pretty questionable too)

Then I went to lesbian chat and although it was pleasant to see a number of people I hadn't seen in a some time, they spoke about sex. I'd already run out of psychological energy to deal with that subject from the previous few days.

The other thing is since there were quite a few women there I had trouble feeling connected with anyone as crowds tend to leave me feeling isolated.

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Comments {13}

T e s s

(no subject)

from: soulsong
date: Aug. 13th, 2003 10:21 am (UTC)
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This is utterly unacceptable

That would aggravate me immensely. Would she refer to your color, ethnic background or sexuality for the same purpose?

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Aug. 13th, 2003 10:27 am (UTC)
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I doubt it. That's why I need to find some time to tell her no.

Though I'm most tempted to phrase it like the following. "This is a behavior I find hurtful, it leads me to feel distrustful and resentful of the person doing it. If you continue I will leave. Also it's based on wrong assumptions as everyone is a mix of personality characteristics that we label masculine and feminine."

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soulspirals

Yes!!

from: soulspirals
date: Aug. 13th, 2003 10:36 am (UTC)
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Well said.

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antiopa

(no subject)

from: antiopa
date: Aug. 13th, 2003 11:01 am (UTC)
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I took the GRE and survived. It wasn't bad, actually, but I get a weird pleasure from taking standardized tests, so I might not be the best source.

And they *always* talk about sex at Chat. I had some warning that a bunch of former Chatters were going to be coming back last night, but we went roller skating instead.

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(no subject)

from: musicwomyn
date: Aug. 13th, 2003 03:02 pm (UTC)
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former chatters shouldn't be a warning. We aren't all bad :) I used o got o chat a lot and the conversations were boring and there was drama, but last night was quite respectful and interesting. Anyway, I'm sorry we scared you away

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antiopa

(no subject)

from: antiopa
date: Aug. 13th, 2003 03:37 pm (UTC)
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Oh, no, I just meant "warned" in the sense that I knew there would be a lot of people there (in contrast to the dwindling numbers of previous weeks). But I had been looking forward to the skating ever since it was suggested two weeks ago, and I had already been planning on staying away from Chat for a bit.

I wonder if we were ever there at the same time. Hmmm.

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(no subject)

from: musicwomyn
date: Aug. 13th, 2003 08:31 pm (UTC)
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I have heard your name mentioned before, but I'm not sure we would have met. I haven't been to chat in well over two years, although I have been hanging out with newer chatters when I've come down to LA in the past few months, so it's entirely possible. I know we know mutual friends

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(Deleted comment)

Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Aug. 13th, 2003 01:45 pm (UTC)
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The detail that I find most offensive is they're most likely to try this "reasoning" when they're trying to explain some characteristic they don't like.

You remind me daily, D, that it sucks to be male.

Daily? *looks somewhat guilty* It was not my intent to make you feel bad about being male. It's a perfectly good thing to be male, its just my own phobias that lead me to not to want to sleep with guys.

Just because someone's a guy doesn't mean that they're part of the patriarchy, additionally just because someones a woman doesn't mean that they're resisting the patriarchy.

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Jen

(no subject)

from: jadine
date: Aug. 13th, 2003 02:11 pm (UTC)
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Speaking from my psychology degree: there is a narrow band of things that can be attributed to gender identity/history. Understanding other people's feelings (about issues not relating to sex or gender) is not usually part of that band.

It's about as reasonable as if I told my partner, "Oh, the reason you overlooked my feelings and ate the last donut is because you're left-handed."

Why did she care that you watched part of it anyway? You can still see it again at her showing. It's not watching an anime once vaccinates you against future viewings.

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Dieppe

(no subject)

from: dieppe
date: Aug. 13th, 2003 02:19 pm (UTC)
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"Yes! Because she is forever tainted to know the plot before hand, and might reveal who is going to live or die before it ends! Yes! Because no-one should know the future after all!"

;) Heh.. Sorry had to throw that in there... If she liked it the first time around, what'd be not to like the second?

(Though people who quote movies as I'm watching it for the first time do tend to annoy me... old favorites are okay to quote though. ;) )

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Aug. 13th, 2003 02:20 pm (UTC)
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I'm curious as to what might be included in that narrow band of things attributable to gender identity?

She was mad because not only did I see her special thing without her, I didn't act like I liked it. The show in question was the revolutionary girl utena, and I was feeling frustrated as one of the last episodes I saw featured a lesbian who had a crush on a straight woman. A theme that reminded me too much of my own life.

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Dieppe

(no subject)

from: dieppe
date: Aug. 13th, 2003 02:26 pm (UTC)
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Indeed. I can see why you wouldn't have liked it. :/

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(no subject)

from: musicwomyn
date: Aug. 13th, 2003 03:10 pm (UTC)
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I agree about the crowd thing. It is hard to be connected. When it was just the three of us walking and talking the other (the pre-sex talk), I felt more connecte and enjoyed the conversation much more. It was really great being able to spend time with you like that where there wasn't an activity or a bunhc of people around.


As far as this "friend" goes, I think it's a great idea for you to set a boundary with her. If she can't respect that, I would say "goodbye." I have been in similar situations, for long periods of time, and it destroyed me. Now, when I find someone who treats me that way, they get a warning or two and then I let them go if it continues.

My theory on it is that (for myself, and it may or may not apply to you) sometimes I feel like what they are saying about me, when it's a put down or just mean, is deserved because I feel they are better than me. Then, I get stuck feeling worse and worse about myself. I feel if they are better than me than of course I should want to be their friend and of course whatever they are saying is either deserved or excusable.

Just be careful to not let the boundary you set fall down.

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