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Why CSG?

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Aug. 4th, 2003 | 04:06 pm

I was contemplating why I might've ended up attracted to the cute straight coworker.

On one hand she is an interesting attractive person, on the other I'm well aware of the pain of being interested in people unable to return ones interest.

It recently occured to me there was one other thing that led me to be interested in her over an actual lesbian. I'm not so hot at that initial awkward phase of getting to know someone. It was really convienent to be able to go chat with her during dead times while at work. That low barrier helped me spend enough time to feel more comfortable around her.

I've been rather bad at putting in the time to get to know actual lesbians. Part of it has been lazyness, part of it has been my inner guilt at using a car to go places, part of it has been my fear that most people aren't interested in the things that I am.

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Comments {6}

T e s s

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from: soulsong
date: Aug. 4th, 2003 04:48 pm (UTC)
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I'm confused. I found it very easy to talk to you when you visited me in England. And we didn't even touch on some of the stuff I wanted to talk to you about, like relationships. Or is it just that I was already in a relationship and therefore don't count for this kind of analysis? Also, why do you always go after lesbians and not ts women? I had several relationships with women just like you before I started attracting and being attracted to men. In fact when I transitioned, the lesbian tranny geek was almost a cliche there were so many of us around my age. We used to mock them incessantly when they brought their linux laptops to parties... :) (well honestly, it was a party, they were supposed to be socialising, not geeking out! *g*)

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Aug. 4th, 2003 06:16 pm (UTC)
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Well I forgot and left off the additional observation that LJ can count as helping with the initial stages of getting to know someone.

Also my sense of comfort tends to lag quite a bit behind others. It really does take quite a while for me to feel comfortable around someone, even if I'm capable of conversing well.

Also, why do you always go after lesbians and not ts women?

Internalized transphobia? I got burned out on many of the trans-women I met in various support groups who were deeply unhappy people, even worse than I was at the time. I only met the happy functional ones once when visiting a friend in silicon valley.

I've also wondered if its not also a mechanism for additional reassurance. If I'm sufficiently female gendered for a lesbian I must've finally arrived. (I'm not fond of that reason, but for intellectual honesty, I'll include it).

Also I'm going to try to go to the LA gay & lesbian centers trans chat this thursday and see what the community is like now.

I remember the stereotype of the lesbian geek transwoman, I know I fit it so very well.

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T e s s

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from: soulsong
date: Aug. 5th, 2003 02:59 am (UTC)
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Interesting answers :)

I wouldn't date transwomen myself any more, but that's because I discovered I like men (or perhaps that men like me). But I did feel very comfortable around transwomen - still do, even though some of them are freaky ;)

It's just that you know, you always complain that the people you're looking for don't exist, but what you then go on to describe is really someone like me, and though I am spoken for, I'm definitely not alone in the set of happy post-op geek environmentalist politically-active transwomen.

ps it doesnt sound very healthy to be using a relationship to validate your gender... I guess you've chosen the highest challenge - feminist women are always the hardest to convince - far harder than men.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Aug. 5th, 2003 12:32 pm (UTC)
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I ended up feeling somewhat uncomfortable with some of those freaky transwomen.

it doesnt sound very healthy to be using a relationship to validate your gender

I know, though as far as I can tell it's only one element among many affecting my orientation.

I suspect that my orientation is actually bi with a strong preference for women, and that some external issues are pushing me the rest of the way to lesbian.

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from: ohnerustung
date: Aug. 4th, 2003 05:33 pm (UTC)
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Why do you keep bringing this up? You know she reads this. How is she going to feel? Most likely embarassed, annoyed and uncomfortable. Unrequited affection is a nasty thing. The only way you can get past it and still maintain a friendship is to shut up about it. It bugs the hell out of me when people continutally remind me they are interested, but I'm not. I'm sure CSG feels the same.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Aug. 4th, 2003 05:37 pm (UTC)
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Good point. I may have forgotten to point out the additional compoent of using this datapoint to do something useful with this. Basically the interesting observation was that it takes me a long time to become comfortable with someone and that I need to figure out how to rearrange my schedule to spend more time around queer women.

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