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Jun. 29th, 2001 | 12:46 am

I feel alone..

The emptiness that is the sucking wound of my essence,
It reminds me of the void I live with.
The fears of being unable to connect.

I fear that it is me that pushes people away.
That there is something wrong with me that prevents me from feeling a sense of connection.
Or perhaps that I end up sabotaging myself.

Or perhaps this fear of being alone lives in all of us,
we just hide from it, cover it up, and pretend that there isn't nothingness within us.


I wonder if I worry too much, or am too serious, or that I forget to have fun, or that my mind is to wrapped up in the chaos that may be facing us, for people to be comfortable around me.

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Comments {11}

Lonely

from: anonymous
date: Jun. 29th, 2001 02:35 am (UTC)
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Awww... :(
I think lots of people feel lonely, unless they are involved in some kind of relationship, even then sometimes, it's just one of those facts of life I guess.

I work with computers in what is quite a male environment (jurassic park), so a lot of my working day I feel lonely and alienated. Actually my current company seems especially bad from that point of view.

Having said that, there was a girl I knew who had all kind of opportunitys that I have never had, and whose life I imagined was really wonderful compared to mine, but I got talking to them and discovered they felt depressed because they didn't have anything in their life they felt was meaningful. I have my music and my story writing that I love to do, but they didn't have anything, and I found myself feeling sorry for them in spite of the fact they had had such a better time of things than me.

I always think that there are lots of other things to be getting on with, theres no point in ruining the rest of your life because you feel there is a big chunk missing from it! Work on other things while you are waiting to end that sadness and then maybe when things are better you will be able to look back and find you have achieved some wonderful things.

Don't feel sad, theres lots of things out there to be happy about! :)

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Despair

i can relate...

from: fragmented
date: Jul. 1st, 2001 09:55 pm (UTC)
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sometimes i think i jumble the end and the means... i now believe that it's because of these initial feelings of lonliness, distrust and depression, that i sabotage my relationships, and daily interactions, and not vice versa. i guess i want to feel like my pessimism and cynism are not unfounded...

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Diane Trout

Re: i can relate...

from: alienghic
date: Jul. 1st, 2001 11:16 pm (UTC)
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One of the nasty things I've noticed about depression is it causes you to ignore positive data and only remember the negative data, so it becomes really tough even experience something that can make one happy--even for a few brief moments.

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Despair

Re: i can relate...

from: fragmented
date: Jul. 1st, 2001 11:27 pm (UTC)
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yes, exactly. it all becomes polarized, but then the good fades as well.

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Diane Trout

Re: i can relate...

from: alienghic
date: Jul. 2nd, 2001 01:00 am (UTC)
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I remember growing up and not being able to handle the crushing emotions I was feeling. So I tried to shove them all in a box and stop feeling.

Unfortunatly I discovered I could only keep the good feelings in the box--the bad ones would build up and overrun everything I'd ever tried to use to try and lock them away.

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Despair

Re: i can relate...

from: fragmented
date: Jul. 2nd, 2001 01:07 am (UTC)
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i truly appreciate this insight. i had a similar childhood. i had never thought of it quite this way. perhaps the good does not fade, perhaps i "consiously" force it away, oblivious to the habit.

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Diane Trout

Re: i can relate...

from: alienghic
date: Jul. 2nd, 2001 01:35 pm (UTC)
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Exactly!

I think what happens is good things are data that doesn't fit into ones understanding of the world so it gets ignored. One really can only see the things that are connected somehow to what one already knows.

So the first challenge (as far as I can tell) is to learn how to recognize that good things exist and not second guess them and turn them back into despair.

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Freya

Re: i can relate...

from: moonglade
date: Jul. 2nd, 2001 10:11 am (UTC)
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This sounds like a friend of mine.

She says she doesn't feel anything but it's not true, she just isn't aware of her feelings a lot of the time, but you can see that she is feeling certain things and if you tell her then she is like "oh yeah!" and seems quite shocked and really happy to find it is true.

I never knew what it really meant to "not be in touch with your feelings" until I met her.

Perhaps it was the same for her as you describe, that she pushed all her feelings away and now she doesn't know quite how to get at them.

I like to think that things are getting better for her.

I don't know maybe you need to reflect on the good things, in your life, like the people you care about and who care about you?

Maybe you can think of all the nice things in your life and sort of wallow in them for a while! *giggle*

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Diane Trout

Re: i can relate...

from: alienghic
date: Jul. 2nd, 2001 01:27 pm (UTC)
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> Maybe you can think of all the nice things in
> your life and sort of wallow in them for a
> while!"

That's actually the problem with depression, it structures the way you think so that you can only see, hear, feel and remember the darkness. For someone whose been depressed for a long time, they can't wrap the minds around the idea that there are good things.

They might actually feel happy for a bit, but if you ask them later they can't remember it.

I've tried explaning this to people who haven't dealt with long term depression and it's really hard for them to understand.

I've had an aquantance tell me while I was in a deep bout of depression to "just get over it."

Later I leared that although that's a true statement, it misses out on how hard it is to do.

One of the more obvious traps of depression is people are afraid to leave what's familiar even in the best of circumstances. Imagine feeling like you're worthless and can't actually accomplish anything, and then being told to change everything that is familiar.

It's shocking to learn that people are afraid to leave bad situtations but it is true.

I guess my best guess on how to help depressed people is to politely remind them when they're enjoying themselves. Though depending on how long they've been depressed it can take a lot of work to escape.

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Despair

Re: i can relate...

from: fragmented
date: Jul. 2nd, 2001 01:45 pm (UTC)
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i just wanted to let you know how appreciative i am of your journal. I have found it nearly impossible lately to find people who think like me on more than one level. But then again, it is my own fault, I had a bad year, my depression was at its worst, i gave up and down graded schools/life, forgetting that the "real" world isn't as interesting or as friendly. Maybe i should have gone to caltech afterall...
Thanks again, for just being...
it makes me a little less alone

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Diane Trout

Re: i can relate...

from: alienghic
date: Jul. 2nd, 2001 02:32 pm (UTC)
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You are very welcome. Finding people who find the story of my life valuable, helps me to learn to recognize that my life is valuable.

So thank you for thanking me. :)

BTW, I didn't actually go to caltech, I work here and many of my friends are techers, but at the time I was going to college I was still too full of self doubt to feel like I could've gotten accepted.

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