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no love for me

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Jun. 29th, 2003 | 11:10 am

I was recently thinking about my experiences with "love".

I'm not sure I believe that parents love their children, for instance. My father was loaded with rage and wrapped up in himself and didn't pay much attention to my mother. After I was born she used me to fill the emptiness niche in herself by basking in attention from me.

I strongly believe that the reason she accepted me after transition was because I was the only source of "love" in her life. On several occasions she's complained that she wished I would say that I "love" her.

However since she's frequently been extremely manipulative I don't trust her and as such only feel a sense of duty toward her. (Perhaps the best example is while in the hospital recovering (or perhaps before, I don't quite remember), she told me that she had thought of threatening to commit suicide if I were to go through with surgery, but she didn't think that would have stopped me so didn't bother. It was recently pointed out to me that there was an extra "you don't care about me" message to add an additional level to the manipulation.)

The frightening thing is I suspect that my two intense relationships I was probably trying to use them to try and help me feel good about myself.

I am left with the conclusion that I've never experienced any form of love other than whatever form might exist in friendship.

A corollary might be why do I want a romantic relationship, never having experienced a functional one? Where did I get the idea? Is it entirely motivated by looking for an external source of acceptance?

(And most importantly is there anyway of getting me to stop wanting one? It would be quite helpful for me to stop becoming depressed upon being reminded about other people's romances.)

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Comments {5}

velcrocat

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from: velcrocat
date: Jun. 29th, 2003 10:44 pm (UTC)
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i think pretty much all of us, to varying extents, use romantic relationships to help us feel good about ourselves. i also think it's a very normal and human desire to want intimate romantic relationships. we're socialized from an early age for that to be the norm. many of us have a harder time achieving that because of the lack of functional relationships we experienced in our families of origin.

i was a child who was very loved, but as a teen and adult, i have consistently sought out relationships that increased my self esteem in some way. when i was younger and dating only men, my needs in this area were much more self-destructive (perhaps because i didn't have a strong relationship with my father until i was a teenager). for example, i would only feel good about myself if this one guy would have sex with me. and i would feel like the worst most undesirable gross person on earth if he turned me down.

on the other hand, i've never doubted or questioned the sincerity of my mother's love. i had a lot of love, devotion and caretaking from my mother and maternal grandmother. however, i have used my relationships with women to try to patch social insecurities, body image issues and various social traumas from childhood and adolescence.

anyway, i'm rambling. :)

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Jun. 30th, 2003 02:05 pm (UTC)
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Confusing... others have claimed that "needing" a relationship is one of the surest ways of not finding one.

Certainly my experiences of trying to use some one else to feel better about myself and that others might actually be interested in me didn't work so well.

What's the difference between a self-destructive relationship and one that helps one grow?

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soulspirals

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from: soulspirals
date: Jun. 30th, 2003 06:49 am (UTC)
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I totally agree with the first paragraph of velcrocat's response.

I think it is human nature (at least in our current evolution) to want our emotional desires to be met. To feel important, like we matter, that someone cares for us, to feel the rush of elation that can come from relationships.

I'm not sure that shutting this down is a good goal.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Jun. 30th, 2003 01:57 pm (UTC)
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I'd like to shut it down as this is certainly a case in my life where desire creates suffering.

The alternative trying to meet someone hasn't really accomplished anything other additional suffering.

There appears to be some critical factors that I am missing. The following list is some of the things I've contemplated: lack of self-confidence, being sufficiently attractive, having guilt-free sex drive, being more outgoing, living somewhere where there are more queer women, not having my odd gender history, having more social hobbies, not instantly going to my depressed place when faced with information that reminds me of relationships, being bi or hetero, being less picky in general.

(Though one of the things I learned in my childhood is one can't actually shut down strong emotion, as much as I might want to.)

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Jul. 1st, 2003 12:17 am (UTC)
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I'd like to shut it down as this is certainly a case in my life where desire creates suffering.

The alternative trying to meet someone hasn't really accomplished anything other additional suffering.

There appears to be some critical factors that I am missing. The following list is some of the things I've contemplated: lack of self-confidence, being sufficiently attractive, having guilt-free sex drive, being more outgoing, living somewhere where there are more queer women, not having my odd gender history, having more social hobbies, not instantly going to my depressed place when faced with information that reminds me of relationships, being bi or hetero, being less picky in general.

(Though one of the things I learned in my childhood is one can't actually shut down strong emotions, no matter how convienent it might be.)

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