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Jun. 26th, 2003 | 11:15 pm

I think I can finally clearly explain why I have trouble dating... I'm bored of this subject and wish I would stop whining about it. Unfortunatly I have yet to find a way to resolve the sense of loneliness I feel.

The answer seems to be I'm a pessimistic introvert whose frightened of meeting new people while living in an intensly alienated culture.

Aparently LA is far more alienated than most other cities. My therapist for instance mentioned how after living in some small street in boston for 12 years actually became close friends with her neighbors, while living in a condo complex in LA for 12 years has never even seen the inside of one of her neighbors units.

Since I already have difficulty reaching out to other people, living here makes it well nigh impossible to connect.

My sense of pessimism doesn't help either. Ignoring my tendency to assume that being pessimistic is just unatractive (because being a characteristic of me, it must be unattractive), pessmisim makes it more difficult to continue putting effort into trying to meet people.

One illustrative example, is I once tried internet dating through yahoo personals. I managed to email some of the women several times. However I learned that they'd actually gone to meet the other people they were emailing with long before I had even begun to feel comfortable enough to actually meet one in person.

And of course since I've tried internet dating and seen how poorly I used it there is little point in trying again.

Also since it takes so much effort to meet new people, it's frequently easier to return to the little rituals that make me feel more comfortable.

Oh yes and a related problem, another solution to feeling lonely might be to try the house-mate thing. However I assume it would be better to be a house-mate with someone whose company I enjoy. Unfortunatly that means that at some point I'd probably have to deal with being attracted to them. Since I've even found some of my male friends attractive after reaching a certain level of friendship, it appears that I'm bi enough not to have a 'safe' gender

I kind of wish the problem was something simpler like being overweight, as it seems easier to loose 60 pounds than to be more confident and optimistic.

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Comments {8}

T e s s

(no subject)

from: soulsong
date: Jun. 27th, 2003 05:50 am (UTC)
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... when of course the real answer is simply that you insist on thinking this way about yourself, which is fundamentally unattractive.

Given one short period of high self-esteem brought on by whatever means necessary (usually a catch-22 relationship tho I did it through an ex who became a flatmate) and all of this angst will dissolve into dust.

You should let a guy pursue you for a while, even if you're not interested in them, it's very flattering :)

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Jun. 27th, 2003 10:47 am (UTC)
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well I did improve a little, the comment about my environment being rather alienating is a new step in not blaming myself for everything.

Though when I first read this after waking up I was reminded of the arguments on why one should take antidepressants. That they can help provide a boost to help provide enough energy to work on the issues that are causing the depression.

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T e s s

Re:

from: soulsong
date: Jun. 27th, 2003 10:56 am (UTC)
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your environment - no doubt a factor. not nearly as big a factor as self-doubt though. not sure that blaming your environment helps so much unless you're going to move to a commune next week and see how that works out. otherwise you just gave yourself another excuse. sorry, in a hurry. *hugs* be well.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Jun. 27th, 2003 12:39 pm (UTC)
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Drat, you got me. It does seem some what excuse like. Though it might be a motivation to move some place less alienated.

I was in a hurry too (writing an entry in a lull during a presentation).

It took a really long time to figure out how to deal with depression including a rigorous program of therapy and medication. Trying to figure out how like myself better seems similarly challenging.

On the other hand, the straight coworker I was interested in, I think managed to cloak at least some of my self-doubt until after she clearly said no.

It is somewhat rare for me to find someone interesting enough to me to be to busy with being attracted to them to waste time on self-doubt.

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(no subject)

from: anonymous
date: Jun. 27th, 2003 02:00 pm (UTC)
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Miss D. If you can't bitch about life in your online journal, then ya might as well pull up tent stakes and go home. ;)

I mean some people might have different reasons for journaling and for journaling online.. but one of the best things I've found with it is you can write what you want, vent, tell the world to F-off, scream, cry, bitch, moan, trash people, rip people new ones.. etc...

And if someone doesn't like what you wrote, they can f-off, and go read someone else's journal. You aren't writing this to be a nice person or to be sweetness and light you are writing this for YOU and no-one else. Right?

That being said.. say whatever you want.. if you don't want people to reply just make it non-commentable.. if you don't want people to read it just you know make it private... this is for you, no-one else.

Of course if someone happens to read your journal and thank you're cool and wanna hook up then that's good too!

My advice: House-mates are bad idea if you can afford to live on your own. ;) Even more of a bad idea if you move across town to move in with two folks who hadn't had much discussion about how that move might affect them. But does anybody pay attention to my advice?

OH yeah you wouldn't be lonely for certain with a housemate.. but when they are throwing parties in your common area, dragging friends and dating partners through at all hours of the night, or when stuff gets misplaced (not stolen, just you can't find that ladle in the kitchen where you know you put it) then you really start to yearn for being "lonely" again.. ;)

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Jun. 27th, 2003 02:09 pm (UTC)
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Part of the problem is I'm sick and tired of listening to me whining about this particular issue. (So I assume others are as well). But mostly I wish I would shut up and do something useful about it. Either by meeting someone, or by getting over this weakness and enjoy being by myself.

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(no subject)

from: anonymous
date: Jun. 27th, 2003 02:34 pm (UTC)
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Well keep bitching as long as you need to. ;) I've found by experience that LA is a very suck place to meet or date "real" people. Lots of fake people here, few people that are genuine. *HUG*

But really, other than creating a human being from scratch the only other way to meet someone who fits the critera you want is.. uh well.. I don't know the answer to that one cause if I did...

:-)'

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Diane Trout

(no subject)

from: alienghic
date: Jun. 27th, 2003 02:43 pm (UTC)
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And without the forced growth tech, creating a human from scratch has some age issues.

Lets see, if it'd take another 10 years to work up the tech tree, then I'd be 40 years older than this ideal mate.

Oh wait! I could freeze myself while they aged. (Or for more fun, perhaps I could take advantage of time dialation and go visit alpha centari)

Thanks, it does feel an awful lot like I'm just complaining and there's not much of anything I can actually do. (Other than move some where friendlier.)

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