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Grrr...

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May. 23rd, 2003 | 12:02 pm

Last weekend I went to a retreat with the caltech LGBT group. Unfortunatly for me I found part of the event quite traumatic, resulting in my crying for quite some time. (Though thankfully a couple of the women were supportive and helped me through--leading me to an interesting post about gender roles that I'll hopefully make in the near future).

However being me I had to come up with ideas what triggered my emotional collapse.

I think the first thing was a number of gay boys are quite worried about not living up to the rather harsh appearance standards of gay male culture. As a result they can be quite brutal about picking on those who try eating anything that has a few calories in it. (Perhaps it's a jelous lashing out at someone having some tasty food).

So since I too have issues with my weight that wasn't a good start.

Then everyone went to the gay section of san diego (with they guys going to one club, the women to another). One of the women I was with is tall, thin, and has some idea about about how to present herself as attractive. Needless to say this reminds me how the only way to reach the body type I would like is through a conciousness transfer to a new body.

Then I saw a couple kissing. Having already been set up by having my "I feel like nothing I do would ever allow me to be attractive" button pushed, and then being reminded of how other people get to experience some physical affection sent me over the edge.

Though while being supportive of my mental collapse one of my friends did make a suggestion I hadn't thought of, that perhaps I could try joining a writing group or something as a better venue to meet available women. Caltech having gotten to know only 5 queer women in 2.5 years is bad place to try and meet women attracted to other women. (I think I know of 2 others queer women).

Lastly, I miss my therapist, as she's out of town for two weeks.

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Comments {5}

her other side

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from: saltbox
date: May. 23rd, 2003 02:46 pm (UTC)
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Hugs. I wish I could do or say something to help you feel better.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: May. 23rd, 2003 02:51 pm (UTC)
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Thanks.

I wish I could come up with a solution as well...

Recently I have occasionally managed to start arguing with myself that the belief of being unattractive might actually be wrong, which is a step forward. Though it's being replaced with the idea that I'm inexperienced.

Though on the plus side, there is something to be said for the fact that I know why I became depressed. At the very least I can try and avoid such situations in the future.

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her other side

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from: saltbox
date: May. 23rd, 2003 03:17 pm (UTC)
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Recently I have occasionally managed to start arguing with myself that the belief of being unattractive might actually be wrong, which is a step forward.

That is!

One thing that I've found helps a lot of people is getting intensely into a hobby, so much so that one is too distracted to feel insecure. There's something to be said for the number of people who say they met their gfs/bfs/partners/lovers when, well, they just weren't looking.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: May. 23rd, 2003 04:28 pm (UTC)
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Yes, I've gotten the not looking advice before. Though I think that since my hobbies don't involve meeting many new people and most of the ones I do meet are geek boys, So I assumed that my odds of meeting a queer intellectual woman is pretty low unless I make an effort.

Though perhaps the best solution is like how one is supposed to lose weight, by making permanent lifestyle changes. So instead of making a special effort to try and date, perhaps it should be changing my life so I'm more likely to meet different people.

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her other side

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from: saltbox
date: May. 23rd, 2003 04:38 pm (UTC)
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So instead of making a special effort to try and date, perhaps it should be changing my life so I'm more likely to meet different people.

Sounds like it'd work to me!

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