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still sulking

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Apr. 30th, 2003 | 02:39 pm

I really wish I could erase the part of me that wants to be in relationships, or conversely feel more comfortable about the horribly awkward process of trying to figure out if there's any hope of mutuality. (This is the phase where I usually end up frustrated and depressed and stop bothering to try).

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Comments {7}

adrienne

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from: sapience
date: Apr. 30th, 2003 02:55 pm (UTC)
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Well, the only thing I can say is that the longer you wait, the harder it gets, and that you never can "figure it out" - you'll never know until you ask. You just have to take the plunge. Which is really hard to do. But is less torturous than the not knowing phase, really.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: May. 1st, 2003 01:40 am (UTC)
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Yeah, but now I'm worrying that I'd been being too awkward recently and offended her, though I've also been thinking of how to bring up, "You're a neat and interesting person who I think is attractive, but I've started worrying too much about wether or not I should actually act on that interest and occasionally flirt or if I should just try and get over being attracted to you."

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T e s s

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from: soulsong
date: Apr. 30th, 2003 03:51 pm (UTC)
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I kinda sympathise because I used to suffer like you are now but it's been a long time. At some point I stopped having problems asking people out - because I wasn't asking anyone out any more. Instead I was simply meeting people with shared interests and hanging out with them. If I have something in common with someone, I just seem to end up hanging out with them at some point. At that moment, the relationship thing just happens easily if it works at all.

I think there's a point where you've got to stop looking at everything as an official date, and just make friends with people naturally. In other words, is this person interesting in some way? Can you talk easily to them? Do you have shared interests? Can you ask them about their interests? Can you make yourself interesting to them? All this comes before 'are they cute?' unless all you want is sex, which in (y)our case i think we can discount. Don't worry about whether they fancy you, or whether they're straight or gay, just make friends. Sooner or later one of them will end up snuggling with you or kissing you, I guarantee it.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: May. 1st, 2003 01:37 am (UTC)
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What you're describing is certainly a far less anxious path, and as such is less prone to me messing up friendships with being terribly awkward. Though I'm somewhat doubtful of a romantic relationship happening as I've historically been someone that people don't think of that way (for whatever reason), and also lesbian culture tends to be far less willing to risk a friendship by actually expressing attraction.

Also I've had a number of cases of being interested in someone and watching them go through multi-month relationships before I even figured out I was interested.

Though I think some of my angst does come from me being terribly distracted by people I find attractive, and although attraction to me includes psychological and political filters, there is still certainly a physical component to it. Which I unfortunatly feel somewhat guilty about.

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T e s s

Re:

from: soulsong
date: May. 1st, 2003 02:16 am (UTC)
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Though I'm somewhat doubtful of a romantic relationship happening

Somewhat self-fulfilling, I fear.

I would suggest (as I said) focussing on making friends rather than focussing on people you might be interested in, who you will already be tongue-tied with; then find a way to show you are interested that doesn't back them into a corner and force them to reject you. This is key. Having met you, I'd like to say the immortal cliched words, 'just be yourself'. You're socially competent, you dont need anything else.

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Josh

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from: irilyth
date: Apr. 30th, 2003 03:56 pm (UTC)
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It's good not to feel like your life is meaningless unless you're in a relationship, but I think it's fine to want to be in a relationship. So, getting better at dealing with the early stages of figuring out if there's mutual interest, if you can, sounds like a good strategy to me.

What aspects of that do you find frustrating? For example, one might be shy, and reluctant to be forward. Or unselfconfident, and afraid of rejection. Or even overconfident, with a tendency to scare people off by being too aggressive. Or just bad at reading people -- not unwilling to try, just have a hard time doing it. Any (or all :^) of those sound familiar?

(I ask because my theory is that if you don't know why it's hard, you can't make it easier. Knowing why it's hard won't immediately make it easier, but it's a first step anyway.)

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: May. 1st, 2003 01:46 am (UTC)
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I do wonder at times if I feel inferior because I'm so perpetually single. Am I interested in dating, because it's one item on a checklist toward success, or is it because I'd like companionship? (Or perhaps are both reasons true at different times?)

In your list of potential problems, about the only problem I don't suffer is overconfidence, though I do worry that I might be scaring people off. I think part of it is I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing, and that I'm probably not doing a good job as well as what's the point in being interested since they'll just reject me anyway.

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