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Not fair

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Apr. 5th, 2003 | 08:22 pm

So, I went out to lunch with the cute woman in the lab next to mine. Unfortunatly for me she mentioned how when she was younger and in better shape than she is now, she believed that the guys used to act like she was quite attractive.

Needless to say, shortly thereafter I started feeling depressed about how I've never in my entire life thought myself attractive.

So even though my last blood test showed I'm stunningly healthy, and I've lost 16 kg in the past 17 months, I still think I'm ugly. Ignoring the fact clothes that were once too tight are now fitting fine. Or when people try and guess how old I look, they usually choose in the early to mid twenties, instead of anywhere near my actual age of 31 years.

I guess the scars of being first an alienated geek, then trans, and then overweight (with a corresponding internalization of the upper class weight standards for women) take quite some time to heal.

So what reinforces my belief of being unattractive is how rarely people seem to indicate they think I'm attractive.

However to be fair, I have realized that this could be explained by several different theories. First, the one I have the most difficulty with, that I am unattractive. Second, since I think I'm unattractive I just don't notice people showing interest. Third, my standards are quite high and I discount some of the people who've show interest because I'm not interested in them. Fourth idea, and the one I have the most trouble believing, I actually am attractive, succesful, highly intelligent, and as a result am quite intimidating. Fifth, the potential pool of queer freethinking vegetarian politically active women is just really small. And of course there might be other possibly explianation that I couldn't come up with

(I wonder if I should've turned that into a poll... )

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Comments {5}

Melody

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from: melodymuse
date: Apr. 6th, 2003 10:48 am (UTC)
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I think everyone stuggles with these questions no matter who they are.

Have you ever thought about dating someone that may not fit into the category you mentioned? Mark and I are different in quiet a lot of ways and I preferre it that way, other wise it would be like going out with myself, how boring would that be? :)

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Apr. 6th, 2003 11:24 am (UTC)
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Actually it's a bit worse than I let onto, not only was there the of mental attributes that I provided, I'm also biased toward women who are relatively thin and taller than about 5' 7". I'm trying to convince myself to give in on the height. But as for the psychological things. I'm not interested in guys, and so am limited to the pool of bi and lesbian women. Religion greatly bothers me (especially monotheistic religions) so I'd need to meet someone whose not terribly religious. Also I'd want to be involved with someone who was intellectually stimulating so they need to be inquisitive and knowledgeable.

I guess one thing is my parents never showed any affection toward each other and just argued constantly, so in order to not make the mistakes of my parents I wanted to be involved with someone whose core values largely matched mine.

Low religion, belief that we need to reduce our environmental footprint in order to have a functional environment, at least some understanding of why I'm so vehemently anti-transnational corporation.

Some of that's needed just to put up with some of my stranger quirks, for instance the problems caused by my tendency to not want to use a car.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Apr. 6th, 2003 08:55 pm (UTC)
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Hmm... But I thought I was specifying core values. For instance I found it increadibly frustrating that my last girlfriend (though a long time after we'd broken up) wouldn't walk two blocks to eat off campus, she was only willing to drive.

Isn't there still pleanty of room for variation in other personality traits? For instance I didn't say anything about introversion or extroversion or interest in the various arts or sciences?

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soulspirals

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from: soulspirals
date: Apr. 7th, 2003 08:19 am (UTC)
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I usually lurk, but today I just felt a need to add my 2 cents.

I agree wholeheartedly on the core values issue. Alex and I have discussed it frequently in the last few weeks. It would be a nightmare for me if he weren't a pacifist, as I really need him to provide jail support if I get arrested at an anti-war demonstration, and do so enthusiastically. We do not share identical religious beliefs, but we're both pagan and are really comfortable with our expresssions of that. We both love cats, or he would have turned my 5 out by now. In our case, i think that "queerness" had somehow transgressed the category of identity and joined as a value as well. I realized years ago that being in relationships with folks who weren't queer was weird for me, and this fits much better.

As far as personality traits and specific interests, though, we're quite different. My first calling was as an artist. He loves building computers and networks. We enjoy learning about each other's interests - most of the time. He loves watching movies, I frequently find it to be a waste of time and money. He gets a break from my money issue while enjoying the year-long Netflix suscription we got as a gift. He doesn't seem to feel a huge need to be a leader, but supports me when I do it. He tends to be more attention-seeking, while I curl up in the corner and disappear.

It works most of the time.

Your comments bring to mind an interesting dilemna I sometimes have with myself:

On the one hand, being able to clearly identify what I'm looking for helps me know it when I see it, not waste time with things/people who don't fit my criteria, and (in my personal belief system) helps those things materialize when I focus on them.

On the other hand, sometimes I worry that my clarity of vision will lead me to exclude something that might be quite right for me if I put up too many blinders in maintaining my focus.

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Diane Trout

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from: alienghic
date: Apr. 8th, 2003 12:30 am (UTC)
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I can relate to the feeling of second guessing. I have at times contemplated what my motivation/s for not being willing to date guys is/are.

My current list of choices include: lingering cultural conditioning, with being raised male and all; being irritated with my parents heterosexual marriage, which seemed very unequal to me, and I somehow picked up on the idea that heterosexual marriages couldn't be equal (and yes I do know that there are many alternatives that on the surface would appear to be hetero); as well as possibly thinking that dating an actual lesbian would reassuring my gender identity.

Also thanks for providing a validation for my assumptions about relationships. I don't have a lot of experience, and was hoping that my observations of my own experiences and those of others was reasonable.

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